Something About Mary

Thanksgiving!

2011-11-17T17:54:00.001+10:00

I have really loved being in America this Autumn. I don't remember every Fall being like this before my 7-year hiatus, but it has been so beautiful this year in Portland. It hasn't been too rainy, and the leaves are really spectacular. Since I don't have a job right now, I've had the chance to go for lots of long walks in the crisp, cold mornings... I live really close to Oaks Bottom and the Springwater Trail, and those places are seriously amazing right now. Also, there are lots of Blue Herons and other birds that I don't know the name of, which in turn makes for lots of bird-watchers, who seem to generally be a very interesting breed of people. Perfect for a people-watcher like myself.

This year is my first Thanksgiving Day in America for 8 years. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, so I'm pretty stoked. This is such a strange year for me... so much has changed, and I am constantly overwhelmed by the feeling that I will never get everything right. And the truth is that I won't. Reconciling myself with that and battling with the hand-in-hand idea that I'm letting everyone down has not been easy; I'm not there yet. But in an effort to get there, I'm trying this: thanksgiving. I am so thankful for my life. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I've been given, and especially for the people in my life who have been and are currently walking with me. I'm thankful to be, somehow, created intentionally and loved inexplicably by the God of the universe. There is a lot more that I could list, but for now I'm thankful that it's time to sleep and I have a warm bed to spend the night in. Good night!

Autumn

2011-11-03T16:16:00.000+10:00

Well, summer is officially over. I guess I’m a little slow on the draw, here, because summer has actually been officially over for a long time. But it just hit me recently: we haven’t had a really warm day for quite some time. The leaves are falling off of trees at an alarming rate, and there are Christmas decorations for sale everywhere I go. I am pretty sure that it was only yesterday that I was feeling horrified at the Halloween decorations sitting out while it was over 90 degrees outside.

Really, I am a little slow. I’m a slow processor. I know this and am okay with it, most of the time. It makes me appear calm when alarming things happen (really, I just freak out later because it happened too fast to freak out in the moment!), which can be a bonus.

So it shouldn’t be too surprising that now, several months after leaving New Zealand, I am realizing that I have really left New Zealand. I miss it. Badly. I can’t believe I wasn’t there to cheer on the All Blacks as they won the Rugby World Cup. I can’t believe that I missed out on docking sheep at my friends’ farm. I want to go to the beach and sit in the hot New Zealand sun and stare at the aqua waves. And I can’t.

I’m sad about that. I’m sad that I am far from my NZ friends and I’m sad that I’m not with YWAM right now. I think that some of that is because I am a little bit adrift at the moment. I miss knowing what I’m doing and being good at it. Right now I don’t feel like I know much. As I pray and seek guidance, the most prominent thought that has come to me is: Be Here Now. So I’m trying. It’s interesting to me that this should be the simplest possible task, and yet I struggle with it. Because with just a little awareness and discipline, all I really have to do is exist, and here I am, now. But it’s so much easier, somehow, to drift away. To think about what was, and what I did, and what will be and what I will do. And that is what I think about more than I probably should.

I think those things are important, too. The past has molded me into who I am today. And without vision, people perish. But I have been realizing that I need to let myself just be every once in a while. Because at the heart of it all, I am a child of God. I have value that is not wrapped up in my success or failure in the things I have done or will do. And I think that really living in the truth of this is what God wants for me, even as I reflect on the past and miss the amazing gift of NZ, and even as I choose to stay in Portland and search for a job here. When I figure it all out, I will let you know. I have a feeling it might be a while! But I’m willing to wrestle it out; I think it might be worth the wait.

Wholeheartedness. Vulnerability. Ooof.

2011-09-16T15:43:00.002+10:00

This turned out to be worth 20 minutes of my time today.

This Week

2011-08-25T15:42:00.003+10:00

So, here are the things I have been dreaming about lately: A- Rat and mouse infestation. A gross and disturbing dream to be sure. B- Credit card fraud. Sometimes I just wonder what it all means.

I mentioned last time that I was reading through some old journals. It's funny to read my thoughts on some things-- like team dynamics or even just travel-- and see how differently I feel now about those same things. Especially when I was just starting out and not so responsible for everything that happened to my team! Here is some of what I wrote on my way to New Zealand for the first time ever, dated March 20, 2002:

"So, here I am in the LAX airport. For the first time that I can remember, I feel like a little Portland girl alone in a scary place. Seriously, I think that LAX could be more intimidating than actual Sydney or Auckland. I keep having to remind myself that I am in my own country. I'm proud of myself, though, because I made it to the right terminal, which was hard, since this airport is huge, and, apparently, mapless. Of course, now I'm here, and my flight leaves in 3 hours. But I do what I can...

I am more scared than I thought I would be. I really don't know what I'm getting myself into... I know I'm not trusting God like I probably should. But then again, how do I know how exactly God wants me to trust him?

It makes me mad at myself, but I'm discovering that I am kind of uncomfortable around people who are not just like me. Stupid. And especially so, considering I am about to be surrounded by 6 Swiss, 4 Koreans, 2 Danes, a Samoan, Malaysian, Canadian, and Kiwi...Oh, a man with an Australian accent just sat near me! I love that!"

Oh, 2002 Mary. If only you knew that you would never get over your dislike for LAX. And that you would grow to love and thrive in cultures different to yours. Or that trusting God most likely looked a lot like getting on an airplane bound for a foreign country even though you were scared. Or that over 9 years later you would be wondering what trusting God looks like now...

Anyway, more in the Adventures from Mary's Past later.

iPost

2011-08-13T07:35:00.003+10:00

So... here I am. America. It has been a bit over a month, now, since I sifted seven years worth of belongings into two suitcases and a carryon, and flew back to Portland. (By the way, I wholly endorse Air New Zealand as the best airline flying in and out of NZ. Best flight in a long time!)

It's been a weird time, being home. I've been surprised to find how difficult it is to switch my mind back into "America gear--" way harder than when I was just home to visit. I mean, it does stand to reason that it took me at least a year to feel really at home in NZ, so it could take a while to feel the same here... except that this IS home. I grew up here. I feel like I should know how life goes here. But for some reason, I cannot say "trash can" instead of "rubbish bin" for the life of me!

The truth is, technology freaks me out! There's a lot that I like-- I have never been so well entertained. But I had dinner with friends a couple of weeks ago, and the conversation at the end of the night was all about devices and if you need an iPod if you have an iPad and and iPhone as well, and eventually I just zoned out. It was slightly stunning to realize that this is the way things are now. And I don't know how to be a part of that conversation. And I don't know if I want to be. If that makes sense. And I am not judging my friends, who are wonderful people, and I am happy for them to have the things that they have. I just don't know that I want that for myself. I have so much more than I even knew to want...

Oh, the pondering that goes on! So... I still am not sure what is next, but am trying to be okay with that. The whole decompressing thing is definitely not going to work if I am putting pressure on myself to figure out my future the whole time!

So, in the introspective-but-not-too-serious side of things, I am looking through old journals, and I have to say it is quite enjoyable! 9 years ago today I was in Papua New Guinea with malaria! What a crazy life I have had so far. Next week I think I will post some excerpts from old journals. There are some good stories in there!

The Latest

2011-06-13T15:58:00.002+10:00

Oh, the drafts that have been written before I actually posted this post. And now I am using none of them!

Anyway, a quick update on the haps at YWAM, Oak Ridge: our two DTS's are both on outreach. It was a good lecture phase for both schools, even with really a skeleton staff for much of that time. The Young Couples DTS is in Samoa at the moment, after a month in Tasmania. They spent a day here at Oak Ridge as they transitioned between places and traded cold-weather clothes for warm-weather clothes! It sounds like Tasmania was a great time... they helped out a lot with practical needs in the community they were staying in.

Our Adventure DTS is in Cambodia and from the sounds of it, having a great time! They are working with a YWAM base there, and it sounds like they're working a lot with young kids, and teaching English some. I anticipate that this will be a very good time for them-- Cambodia is very different from NZ! There is a lot of opportunity to share the love of God with those who may not have seen his love in action through Christians before.

Here on base, we are having a little "down" time-- still running our kids ministry in Maungaturoto, as well as working on youth outreach, but things are moving much more slowly and quietly than when the DTS's were here!

Most of you have probably heard my latest news through the grapevine, but for those that have not: I have only two weeks left in New Zealand. I came to a decision not too long ago that my time here needs to come to an end. I definitely feel a sense of completion as I contemplate the last several years that I've called New Zealand home, as well as a lot of sadness at saying goodbye! I have spent a lot of time praying about this, and really feel that it is time for something new.

Having said that, I have no idea what that new thing is or will be! I am moving back to Portland, at least to start with, and am hoping things will become more clear once I am there. The only thing I really know is that God is good, and has done amazing things during my time here, and I feel privileged to have been a part of it. And I am really grateful to him and also to all my friends and family who have supported me and cared for me; I am at a loss for words, really, when I consider it.

So, the next week is for packing and finishing things up on base, and then I will spend my last week in Auckland with a good friend. I will be home at the end of June, just in time for all the best summer fruit! I have a lot of good-byes to say, which is surreal and really sad in the moments when it's not surreal. And I have a lot of decisions to make and things to process through, which is a bit daunting when I think about it too much. So, if you think about it, please say a prayer for me as I transition to the next thing.

Hope all is well with you!

Earthquakes, Uprisings, and the End of Christendom

2011-03-05T15:37:00.002+10:00

So, as I was looking over some posts from this year, I found this. I wrote it in March, and never posted it for some reason, and now it's December... But now I am going to. Interesting to see what I was thinking several months ago, before I knew that I was moving back to America. I wanted to post it before the year is over:

This post will not really be as thought provoking as the title might suggest. Just letting you know before your expectations are raised to a level I can't fulfill!

These three things have been on my mind lately:

-Most of you (whomever you are) will have heard about the earthquake that shook Christchurch, NZ almost two weeks ago now. The quake has put New Zealand into a National State of Emergency. The whole country is trying to figure out how to understand and deal with the destruction of the city and loss of life there. Many people I know are heading down to the Christchurch area to help with recovery and clean up and trauma counseling. Numbers of the dead and missing seem to fluctuate every day, but there's a sadness here that seems to be touching every part of the country. It's just one of those things that is always on the edge of public consciousness, even as people go about their daily lives.

-And then there's all this stuff happening in the Middle East. Regimes being toppled! People protesting in the streets and winning! This is craziness. I know relatively little about what is going on over there, and am sure that there is much more to this going on behind the scenes. And the repercussions are most likely going to be quite interesting in the global scene. But at a glance, this is pretty amazing stuff.

-The other night we had a speaker on base who said these words: "Christendom is over." And that had an interesting affect on those of us sitting in the audience. The thing is, I don't know if he's right or wrong. Christendom (which I loosely interpret as the Christian church being the majority influence in society) has most likely been over for a long time already. But for the rural New Zealanders at our Open Meeting, not so much. It just struck me how much we like to think we're in charge of our world, no matter what our belief system is.

See? Not so deep.

Here's the thing: I'm tired. I have always been very good at being very good, and I'm reaching a point where I'm realizing that it is not very good after all. The other day I was praying, and the impression I got was that I need to fast. I just wasn't sure what that fast was meant to be from. Food didn't seem like the thing. I considered TV, but wasn't sure that was right, either (I don't get to watch much out here, anyway). And eventually as the day went on, I realized what it is that I am meant to give up: religion. Too many times have I done the "right" thing without having the right spirit. Too many times have I stepped up or spoken up or raised my hand or done a million other things without first listening for the heart of God. And while I believe that people need to step up and speak up and serve and all sorts of other good things, for me at the moment, these things are causing me spiritual death. They are my idea of how I am supposed to act, not the things God is telling me to do. I think God has been asking me to cut it out for a while, now, but I have ignored him because I am doing good things. I can't do that anymore. I must take time to connect authentically with him.

That doesn't mean that I don't do anything, because I do. I'm very busy for most of the day. But before, I was busy for ALL of the day. All week long. And this is a bad idea for someone who is trying to maintain a long-term ministry lifestyle. So... I don't know how this all goes together. But every day I catch myself about to say yes to something because I want to look like a good Christian. And that's ridiculous. Looking like a good Christian is going to kill me if I don't stop. So I'm trying to stop trying so hard. I want to really be... not even a good Christian. Just someone who knows God and is transformed by him.

I guess the thing that is resonating with me is that if the world is being shaken, and if regimes are being overturned, and if Christendom is over, then the truth is the only thing that is going to last. And that's what I want to know more deeply. Real, authentic, truth. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit known by me and because of me.

I don't know what exactly that is supposed to look like. Or what this means for my life. But I do know that I must be changed, and I can't do it myself. I can't even think of a good sentence to finish off this blog entry. But instead of trying to tie everything up nicely for you, I am going to just be done and let you tie it up for yourself! See, I am learning. :)

Sometimes My Own Cheesiness Amazes Me

2011-02-27T16:55:00.008+10:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the cattle on a thousand hills.

I wonder why?

Anyway, it's a good reminder for me of how great God is. I walk these hills most days during the summertime, and at the moment, with a lot of things feeling very up-in-the-air, it's good to really remember that there is someone with a bit more perspective than me involved in the process!

News on base: we have started both our Young Couples DTS and Adventure DTS, just a week apart from each other. I am running the kitchen and office this next few months, having a little break from such relentless involvement with DTS! Although I'm not sure if my plan is working; last week was really busy. I'm thinking in a couple of weeks things will get caught up in routine and I will have less to make happen on my own. On the bright side, right now the Adventure DTS is together playing ice-breaker games (excruciating!), and I am in my house relaxing. So maybe my plan IS working.

It's been great to meet the new students as they arrive. So many of them have such a heart for the world and seeing change happen-- they are just looking for a little direction for that passion. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens as they spend time seeking God and making connections through teaching and experiences here at Oak Ridge.

My director here has always referred to the six-month cycle of DTS after DTS here as "groundhog day." It often feels like that... we explain the same things over and over, have the same "do you say soda or pop?" kind of conversations, and watch people make awkward (in the beginning) friendships that turn into life-long connections. But even in the middle of the groundhog-day-ness of it all, there is always the feeling that something new is about to happen. Here is a group of people who have never been together before. And maybe one or two or all of them are going to change the world entirely.

Who knows? It's possible. After all, we are working with the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills.

Still Beautiful, Even After All These Years

2011-02-03T13:31:00.003+10:00

Well. After some very long-feeling months in NZ since my last blog post, and a couple of short-feeling months in America, I am back. In New Zealand. And on Blogger.

Here's some good news: it is summer in NZ right now. And for the most part, really warm and beautiful. There was the small matter of a huge rain storm involving major flooding last weekend, but why hold a grudge? The last few days have been sunny and hot and I have gotten a little bit tanner than I was a week ago. I'm still the palest pakeha around, but that's okay. (Pakeha basically means "white person" in Maori.)

Here are some photos I took the other day:

These are taken from the deck of the Blythens' house the other day (they are the family that are pretty much my Weasleys here in NZ.). I was sitting there drinking cold drinks and breathing warm, clear air, and remembering why I love NZ so much, so I thought I'd share the moment with you. :)

It's good to be back, mostly. It's also overwhelming to be back. The prospect of what is happening here at Oak Ridge in the next few months seems like a lot to make work. I have excused myself from the next DTS, and will instead be running the office and kitchen, which will hopefully be a really good break from the intense schedule of the DTS, and will give me some time to evaluate some things. I have been wondering lately how much longer this place is really going to be healthy for me... it's so isolated here at times. So that, among other things, will be pondered.

Other things on my mind: a generation of young people completely saturated by media; moving across the base next week to a new (to me) house; helpful and non-helpful communication methods; peanut butter m&m's.

So there you go. Until next time!

Back By Popular Demand...

2010-07-25T16:45:00.004+10:00

Okay... so I'm just going to skip the apology for not writing forEVER and get straight to the summary of my life. But I am sorry. :)

The last five or so months have been incredibly full-on. I have been leading a DTS again... this time with 17 students (mostly from America, but a few Canadians, a Spaniard, a German, Korean, Brit, Aussies and Kiwis mixed in!). We were pretty understaffed (just four of us), so there was a lot involved. I had four girls that were my "one-on-ones" (basically the girls that I was specifically mentoring through the program), as well as a lot of other issues that arose during the time, and administration and staff training and all of these things left me without much time for blogging. This group of students were a mixed bag of wanting to follow God no matter what the cost and wanting to follow God but being afraid of what that means. But we're getting there. The whole"he's not safe, but he's good" thing keeps coming to mind. And I learned a lot through it! I learned that I want to be able to make people happy and comfortable and that is not always what God is doing. Because he's not safe. But he's good.

Another thing I learned: it's easy to think you're a good leader if you're leading people who want to be led. And it's easy to think you're a bad leader if you're leading people who don't. But somehow, that can't be the measure of leadership. I think it has a role in how I should do things, but it's not the main thing.

Is this a bit choppy? Did I mention I got home at 3am yesterday after travelling all day and then driving my team for two hours in the middle of the night?

Anyway, after three months of lectures in NZ, I took a team of 8 students to Australia! We have done some amazing things-- worked with a medical ship for 5 weeks, gone to schools and churches and (hopefully) encouraged people, fed homeless kids, prayed for all kinds of people, picked up hitchhikers, had countless conversations about the love of God, saw God provide for us ridiculously, met some incredible people who lay down their lives in obedience to God every day, thought deeply about justice and hope, watched 8 scrappy DTS students begin to have their lives ruined for the ordinary.

It was hard-- really hard-- sometimes. There were a few days in there where I had no idea in the afternoon where we would be sleeping that night. But we always had somewhere in the end. And there were times when the team found out that loving people is actually a choice-- and not an easy one. But by choosing it, you see beauty in people that you may have been blind to before.

One thing I learned: never underestimate the importance of debriefing! There were so many lessons that would have been missed if we didn't take a few minutes as a team to see what was going on in people's heads and hearts. It's hard to be motivated to do it when you just want to either crawl in a hole and hide or strangle half of your team, but it's so worth it.

So that is a very quick sketch of the latest in my life. More details later! Seriously, there were so many things that stood out to me during this time, so I'll have to tell more specific stories later. I've been saving up.

No Political Subtext Intended

2009-11-06T18:22:00.005+10:00

When I was a kid, I used to watch this show called "Gospel Bill." I don't know why, and I don't remember very much about it, but I know that I loooooved this show. There was a cowboy, I know that. Gospel Bill was a cowboy, I think, and interacted with other cowboys, and a good bet would be that the show included some sort of Bible-based teaching woven into a country western theme. I am pretty sure that I could identify Gospel Bill in a line up if I saw him today. But that's it, really.

I'm just telling you this so when I say that today, when I opened up my email and saw the day's headlines and one of them said "Health Care Bill," you will understand the sudden image that popped into my head of a doctor wearing a cowboy hat and spurs on his boots. And although I have been in the States for two months now, and have been listening to the seemingly eeeeeeeendless and ugly debate raging about health care, it still took me a few minutes before I actually realized that Health Care Bill is not a new children's show about a cowboy doctor.

But wouldn't it be awesome if it was?

Wow. Just wow.

2009-09-01T11:17:00.002+10:00

I cannot believe that I am leaving Guam in less than two days. How does time go so fast? I feel like that is a major theme on this blog: time speeding by more quickly than I know what to do with it.

So the last few days have been filled with spending time with friends and saying good-byes to people. And also talking to customer service agents at cheaptickets.com and Continental airlines trying to actually get home. I will go to great lengths to avoid ever using either again. But I did kind of chuckle this morning as I drove to the beach to read and stare at the horizon... because I realized that I so like getting my own way. Which I did not, by the way, with this ticket issue. Which I guess is not the end of the world. But it took me by surprise in some ways-- the extent to which I am accustomed to getting my way. I think that some of this is that I know how things work, for the most part, in my specific culture, and so tailor my expectations of what I want based on how things generally operate. But still. How weird that I think I should get my way as often as I do.

Anyway, lest you think that I am drowning in a cesspool of inner enlightenment and turmoil: I'm not. I just got back from a sunny morning at the beach and will be spending the day packing and meeting with friends. I am very grateful for all of these things and the ability to enjoy them, and am pretty excited to get home soon, too!

Goonies Never Say Die

2009-08-22T19:22:00.005+10:00

I just got back (very) early this morning from Saipan [note-- actually two mornings ago; I didn't finish the post when I first started writing it], which is the most populated of the Commonwealth of the Northern Marianas Islands. It's still small. Smaller than Guam, which is very small-- I particularly noticed that as I flew away from Guam, and looked back and could see the entire island after not too long. But anyway... Saipan! It's beautiful, and not far away, it turns out (seriously, I should know that after living so close for the last 8-ish months). It is a lot like Guam in many ways, although there is no military presence anymore. However, the affects of WW II on Saipan were significant, and that is much more obvious than it has been to me on Guam. Saipan had been ruled by Japan for several years before the war, and so there were a lot of Japanese civilians on the island. When the US fought for and won Saipan (and the neighboring island, Tinian, where the Enola Gay launched from when it dropped the first atomic bomb), there was propaganda that the US troops would harm the Japanese civilians, and in spite of efforts to correct this misconception, many of these people, in fear, jumped off of cliffs rather than be captured. It was so strange to walk along these beautiful cliffs and realize the sadness of what happened there 60-something years ago.

And I'm not sure why I mentioned that except that it really struck me... it may or may not tie in with the rest of my post. :) I have been thinking about hope a lot lately. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." says the writer of Proverbs. And it's so true. I think the hardest thing for me during my time here has been figuring out how to deal with situations where things just don't happen like they should. There is a mindset that I've encountered here that makes it okay to not follow through on things you've said you will do. Which means that people say things; plans get made; things are even put in writing; hope rises... and then they just don't happen. I have really struggled with not giving up entirely on even the idea of a vision for Micronesia, because almost nothing that I expected has come to pass. Other things have happened, of course, and I've been totally blessed in many ways, but it's been a weird time, for sure.

I spent the last few days with YWAM Saipan, who have experienced the same kind of disappointments: cancelled schools, broken promises of people coming to help, uncertainty about housing and money. But the leaders of YWAM Saipan have this amazing hope. Being around them really reminded me that our hope is NOT in our circumstances, but in God. And they are planning for the next thing and laying down disappointment and hoping again for God to use them to help move the hearts of Micronesians toward Him. They know it might all fall through, but they still hope, because that is what they believe God has asked them to do. What amazing people.

Even before I went to Saipan, this idea of hope (and the struggle to maintain it) was on my mind. I think one reason I stayed here this whole time was that I just needed to follow through on what I said I would do, even though nobody would fault me for not doing so. Because I have committed to hope for this place. But the strength with which the staff on Saipan are keeping hope alive was pretty astounding. Hmmm... I guess I'm still thinking through all of this. But there it is: my rumination for today.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Cor. 4:16-18

There's nothing like a little perspective...

2009-08-01T00:12:00.003+10:00

Here I am, back from Yap! I had a great time, along with my friend Michelle, and plan to post more info later, but wanted to notify anyone who cares that I did, in fact, make it back to Guam in one piece. (Although the very next day my roommate and I went hiking and I slipped down a steep hill and am now covered in bruises and scratches. All in a day's work.)

I had the chance to meet some really cool people, and to sit and talk and listen to and pray with many of them. Michelle and I both spoke at church on Sunday, as well, which was a cool opportunity.

Some things you should know about Yap:

-The runway is really short, so when the airplane lands, it lands with a thump and brakes hard immediately, which causes many people to scream. Apparently, this was not an isolated incident just for our benefit; it happens often.

-If you like seafood, Yap is a good place to go. We ate fresh fish or crab almost every day.

-Yap is called "the island of stone money," but actually they use the U.S. dollar as currency. However, giant pieces of stone money are all over the place, and really fascinate me.

-There are also several stone paths on the island-- paths that have been laid with flat stones that go through the jungle. They are very cool, and also fascinate me.

-If you are walking from one village to the next in Yap, you should carry something (like a leaf) with you to indicate that you are not there to take anything. I'm not sure what happens if you don't follow this rule. But I'm sure it's not good.

That's all for now. I will leave you with the transcript of a conversation I had while exploring a stone path one day, guided by our friend, Angel, who showed Michelle and me around the island. I feel like it pretty much sums things up:

Me: "This stone path is amazing. Where does it go?"

Angel: "Oh, it goes all the way."

Me: "All the way... where?"

Angel: "To the end!"

And there it is. The most profound conversation I've had for a long time. Ponder and enjoy. :)

Yap-ward Bound

2009-07-23T16:32:00.002+10:00

In about three hours, I am getting on a plane and going to the island of Yap! And I am really excited about it. From what I have heard, Yap is a very different place to Guam. There is definitely a Yapese community here on island, but I'm looking forward to getting to really spend some time on an island that hasn't been quite so westernized as Guam. So... woo hoo!

I only have a month and a half left here in micronesia. Time really seems to be speeding by lately-- I think because I have determined to really enjoy myself. Now that YWAM's fate is decided (at least for the rest of the time that I am here), it definitely feels like a burden of sorts has been lifted. It's still kind of a long and hard explanation that happens every time someone asks me what happened, but that's not really the worst thing in the world.

For now, I am just going to choose to love where I'm at. And I think it makes a difference. This morning I was helping a girl who is just moving to Guam clean her new apartment, and the movers came while I was there. I started talking to one of the guys, and eventually was trying to explain what I'm doing here, exactly, which was difficult because English was definitely not his first language, and eventually, he just kind of interrupted me and was like, "do you ever need help?" And it kind of struck me anew (yes, I just said "anew") that people want to be a part of something that brings freedom. We had such a hard time for so many months with nobody-- even committed people-- wanting to be a part of this... whatever it was. And now it is kind of over and I'm just doing whatever is in front of me and I'm choosing to enjoy that, and random people want to help. Hmm. How do I stay in this mindset? How do I live in the freedom that I have in Christ even when it seems impossible? It shouldn't be hard. So why is it?

But there's no time to ponder these things right now because I am about to meet my good friend Michelle and get on a plane and go to Yap! How cool is my life that I get to go to places that many people have never, ever heard of? I know the answer to that question: pretty darn cool.

Titles can be hard to think of sometimes...

2009-06-15T22:54:00.003+10:00

Well, I guess I have been putting off blogging for a while... I keep hoping to have some development to share that is exciting and new. Instead, I am facing the realization that in a couple of weeks, I will be the only active YWAMer left on the island of Guam. This is and isn't a big deal. It's not a big deal because YWAM is just an organization, and God is totally capable of working and using me outside of that context. And it is a big deal because that's the context that I know and have learned to work within for five years, and now I am about to be alone in it.

I'm sad, too, because I know that people are leaving in a place of disappointment, and I don't want that for them. Then again, God is, of course, bigger than our expectations... he is definitely the only one capable of redeeming that disappointment.

The last few weeks have been pretty up and down. We had a couple of our leaders come through to help us kind of reset vision and define our goals, etc. for the ministry here. There have been a lot of really hopeful moments, and a lot of really frustrated moments. Hope is great, but it needs to be grounded in reality, and sometimes it's just so easy to have big ideas when there is nobody actually called to fulfill them. In the long run, I think it's better to set small goals that are actually attainable. In this situation, at least. There has been a tension for me between faith and cynicism... I know that God is able to do more than we ask or imagine. But does that mean that the bigger the idea, the more it is from God? I'm not sure it always works that way. But I don't want to get in the way of the miracles that he wants to do, either.

Well, I am going to sign off now, and get some sleep. Maybe all the answers will come to me in a dream! For now, I am resting in the peace of God's presence and provision for my life-- he has me in a good hold right now and there's no reason to think he'll let go any time soon. More later about my plans for the rest of the summer!

Still here...

2009-05-08T14:40:00.002+10:00

Right. So I'm still on Guam. I have mixed feelings about this, but that is beside the point. Things are still not really happening the way that I wish they would... but I need to get over that and be ready for what God IS doing, rather than what I want him to do, I think. Easier said than done, sometimes.

We are finally finished and out of our lease with the property YWAM was using here. That is a good thing-- a huge load off of the shoulders of the leadership here. It's also sad, in a lot of ways. There were a lot of hopes and dreams tied up in that place-- we wanted to run schools that won't happen there now, and use it as a base of evangelism, which it won't be. Our staff are moving on to new things, and somehow we feel a bit stuck here, picking up the pieces and wondering what happened to all the hope for new, life-giving ministries that were supposed to come out from there.

The truth is, of course, that it is not about the building. But the loss of the building is a tangible thing that goes along with the loss of resources needed to do the things we had planned to do. And now the only thing to do is to wait on God, and let him give us something new: new hope and new ideas and new plans of action. I have peace about that-- most of the time. I know that God is big and capable, and that he is good and wants good things for the people of Guam. I don't know how I am a part of that, right now. I've been thinking about the ministries that I've been involved in, and it seems like I am often around for major transitions. What is that all about? Also, I have made some friends here and I think those relationships have been very key and important during this time... for myself and for those people. So I definitely see God working. But the big picture is tough to grasp right now. I guess I will give it time. Watch this space!

I wish I had known about this earlier!

2009-04-10T11:48:00.005+10:00

Oh, man. This is an incredible card, found at www.etsy.com. Jesus loves his peeps! If I had found this last week, a lot of people would be getting Easter cards from me this year. But this saves me money, anyway. Happy Easter!

31 Years

2009-04-10T00:25:00.002+10:00

So it's past midnight here on Guam, which makes it my birthday! I am now officially 31 years old. Ridiculous. Sometimes I actually wonder if it is possible. Maybe there is some kind of mistake? The only problem with this is that I actually do remember most of those 31 years. So they must have happened.

Today is a weird day-- I'm with people I don't know very well in a place that I don't know very well. But this year has been one of huge blessings. I went to Scotland! I spent the summer in Portland! I got to go back to New Zealand, visit friends in Australia, lead an amazing DTS, and came to Guam. A year ago, I would have guessed very few of these things. I am very blessed. I have seen God working in a lot of people's lives and even got to be a part of that work. How awesome is that? And through it all, I almost always had a bed to sleep in. (Okay, now I have a couch, but it's a pretty good one.) Beds are things that I have discovered cannot be taken for granted, because sometimes you don't get one. But they are so awesome when you do. I have had pretty much a whole year of sleeping in beds. That is amazing. I hope that I never get to a point where I wake up in the morning and am not totally grateful for the bed I slept in.

Anyway, I am also grateful for all the totally undeserved and fabulous things that I've been able to do this year, and am incredibly thankful for the amazing people who have been in my life during these past (alleged) 31 years. And I'd like to thank the Academy... just kidding. Have a great my birthday, everyone!

Sigh

2009-04-08T15:24:00.002+10:00

Well, here I am. I was kind of waiting to update my blog until I had something exciting to share, but... well, it doesn't seem like things are happening very quickly here, so I am going to write anyway!

It has not been an easy couple of weeks. I am surrounded by amazing people, which is huge, though. Terry and Kay are very wise and fun to be around; Carrie is great; last night I got to hang out with some girls I became friends with when the team was here, and I was so blessed by them. I look forward to spending more time with them.

Ministry-wise, things are a bit murky. Sorting everything out with the building that we had been using hasn't been as straight forward as we wished, and getting things started around here just takes a lot of work, really. We started up a discipleship group for new/young believers last week, to give some really solid, foundational teaching... a bunch of people said they would come, but most didn't. Those who did were 45 minutes late. Guam time! It felt like pulling teeth in a lot of ways, so I'm hoping that once some momentum gets going, it will get better.

We've been praying a lot about what to do and when and how... there are actually a lot of opportunities. The thing for me that is frustrating is that a lot of those opportunities feel like things that I actually should not do. There are churches that want ministries started, etc., but nobody in the church wants to run them, so they are looking for outside help. But I feel like, as a short-term resident of this place, there needs to be someone else to carry these things after I go. A five month program would work for five months, but then what? There has to be someone willing to learn to do it and take over after the five months. But nobody seems to want to. Even when I thought the DTS was going to happen, there were people to train up to carry on and to lead the next one, which was part of my purpose in leading it. So... we'll see. I'm praying for opportunities to work with and train others to do really strategic, meaningful ministry that is actually bearing fruit, not just creating activities. Oh, the possibilities!

Anyway, that's me for now.

Guaminated

2009-03-21T16:44:00.003+10:00

Oh, boy. I am back on Guam! After what felt like a million hours of flying, stopping at home for three fabulous days, and flying a million hours more, I am back. It's really weird to be here without my team, actually. But it feels good-- especially after freezing for three days in Portland! It's warm here, but not overwhelming. And I'm staying at my friend Carrie's house, which has air conditioning, which is a luxury for a girl like me! AND hot showers! Will wonders never cease?

Everything has changed since I left Guam a few weeks ago. A Kiwi couple (go NZ!) has come and joined the YWAM Guam leadership, and actually are kind of saddled with some hefty decisions, as the previous leadership is taking a break. Decision one was to quit the building that was being used as a base for YWAM Guam. It's just too removed from the centre of action here, and as you may remember, had no power or phone or Internet not so long ago, and is heading that way again. So, I feel like that is a good decision. Most of the staff are planning on heading elsewhere, so this will encourage them to make their own decisions a bit more quickly, I think.

Decision two is to cancel the DTS that I came here to run. That is a bit disappointing, but really makes a lot of sense. There were no definite numbers or even completed applications from prospective students, and it was getting down to the wire. Frustrating, but it feels right. Which leaves me kind of wondering why on earth I am here... but I still feel very much like this is where I should be right now. I got a phone call from the regional director the day I left NZ basically offering to release me from my commitment here. And I prayed about it, and immediately felt like, no, I need to go. I think that God wants me to learn some things here, and I really want to serve this place and help things get a good foundation built here for different ministries. So... here we go! It's kind of exciting/scary to be in this position. And here I am.

We'll be running some discipleship seminars for a broader range of people than a DTS commitment really allows, so that's one thing that's happening. I've spent the week since I've been here communicating with speakers and just getting rested up. Today I hung out all morning on the beach, which I really can't complain about! Seriously, I do live in a tropical paradise... sometimes it seems a bit ridiculous-- my life is so great.

Okay, I'm off to enjoy the Air Con.

Autumn

2009-03-10T19:26:00.002+10:00

Okay, so time is going WAY too fast. I am only 30 years old, at least for another month, and I really feel that things should not be moving at the rate they are.

Today was a really amazing day in the North of New Zealand. It was one of those perfect early autumn days, where the air is still warm, but the air is really clear, and the leaves are starting to turn, and there are acorns everywhere (this place is called Oak Ridge for a reason), and there are apples on the apple tree, and it just feels all cozy and nostalgic. I said goodbye to most of the rest of the staff, who are headed off to a YWAM NZ meeting for a few days. That was sad, and so I was definitely down with the nostalgia in the air after being left here for my last couple of days pretty much alone.

My house is still a shambles, but I'm thinking I will finish packing and cleaning tomorrow, and be ready to hop on a bus to the airport by Thursday. I hate packing and cleaning. I may have mentioned this before. But I especially hate it this time, because I'm actually moving out of this house, which I love, and moving on to what feels pretty unknown a lot of the time. Secretly I am terrified. (I guess it's not a secret any more!). But I know I need to go-- I know that God is up to something and I want to be a part of it. Not that he's not up to something here, too... it's just not for me right now. Hopefully I will be able to come back here after Guam; I definitely don't feel finished here yet.

I've been spending the last week or so helping with staff training for the next DTS here, as well as trying to plan out staff training for my Guam DTS and trying to get my head around schedules and speakers and stuff. A friend of mine in Guam has found a car for me to use while I'm there, which is an unexpected blessing. Although, I did pray a lot for a car while I was there, so I maybe shouldn't be surprised. But I am VERY grateful. And I'm grateful for my time here, and for this house while I've had it, and for the people who have made my life richer while they've been in it. I think God's been reminding me, even while I am sad to say goodbye to people and places that I love, that he gave me all of that. Instead of being sad that I don't have it anymore, I want to be thankful that I had it in the first place. And look forward to whatever is coming... which is coming quickly!!!

On that note, I have to go enjoy my last NZ full moon for a while. It's unbelievable how bright that thing is!

The end: take ten

2009-03-01T07:23:00.002+10:00

Well, the last few weeks flew by at an out-of-control speed, and now the DTS is over, and I am... well, I am sad. I'm kind of giving myself a day to hang out in my pajamas and watch movies and let my tiredness catch up with me, and then tomorrow it's back to work.

This DTS has been a really good one for me-- I have been so encouraged over the past five months with what God is doing and what young people are really capable of. It felt like we really sowed into some lasting things on the island of Guam, which was pretty cool.

My future is kind of scaring me, as excited as I am about it. I'm excited because I know that I'm going to be challenged and that I am going to grow. And that's scary, too. Because it could very well be difficult. But I can't think too much about it at this point, because I am just too tired. I'm pretty much finished as far as my capacity to think clearly about anything, so I'm not really even trying. Maybe tomorrow.

Anyway, I am so grateful for what God has done and is doing, and so thankful to all of you who have been praying for me and helping me out along the way.

The sickness

2009-02-17T09:43:00.003+10:00

So what do you do when you get a phone call from your team leader while you are running errands telling you that one of your students needs to be taken to the hospital and you need to come get him right away? Remain calm, is my theory. And go get the student right away. That is what happened last Tuesday afternoon while I was at the bank. The funny thing was that it was fairly easy to remain calm because the symptoms relayed to me about this student's condition were: "he feels weak." Um, I don't know about anyone else, but I have felt weak before and it did not equal a trip to the hospital. So anyway, we hurried back to the base, where Chad, the student in question, was looking worse than weak. Apparently he had thrown up like 8 times in the last few minutes and all of his muscles started spasming, and he could barely talk. Kind of alarming, really.

So... 5 hours and a THOUSAND DOLLARS later (thank God for insurance!), Chad had been given who even knew how many units of antibiotics and pain killers and sedatives and at least 3 liters of fluid, and was on and off of an oxygen mask, and had x-rays, and all kinds of other things while I sat there and prayed. The murky verdict at the end of all of this was that he had food poisoning, or maybe a virus, or maybe some other bacteria. And the puking caused some kind of electrolyte imbalance which led to an anxiety attack, possibly. He was not better, but we took him to our friend Carrie's house. She's a nurse, plus has air conditioning and hot water, so it seemed like the best option. The next morning I did not feel good, and neither did two other girls on the team, so we headed over to Carrie's, too, and Carrie also didn't feel well. Our best guess is that we were somehow infected at the waterfall Carrie took us to Monday that week. Anyway, none of the rest of us were as bad off as Chad-- we made sure to drink as much as possible-- so we were able to get back to the base the next day. It's been a week of doing a little bit of stuff and then taking time out to rest. Being sick is terrible, and makes me feel useless. On the other hand, it's a good chance to ponder why we react to things in certain ways: why does my not being able to really contribute to what's going on for a couple of days make me feel so bad? Where is my worth really found? Oh, ponderings.

Anyway, we're all feeling better (most of the time) now, and are headed off to help out at a chapel this morning, so I'd better go!

Scatterbrained?

2009-02-04T14:32:00.004+10:00

I'm pretty sure that the Chinese New Year just happened a few weeks ago-- which means that it is no longer the year of the rat. Which is why I was slightly dismayed this week when a HUGE rat ran into the room that I share with the three girls on the outreach team. Luckily, only one of the other girls was there. We have sworn each other to secrecy from the other two until we're on the airplane to Korea. Sometimes there are things that you should not say to people who have to sleep in a room with the doors and windows open all of the time. Anyway, the rat ran straight into a corner of our room and stayed under the furniture there for a while. Rebekah and I stood on our beds and stared at the area for a few minutes, before concluding that we needed someone else to get rid of the rat, so we woke up Caleb, who came into the room with a large stick. Do all guys sleep with a large stick or baseball bat within reaching distance? Just a question. (I guess the guys had a stick to chase the boonie dogs that are all over the place here away. But I was amazed in the moment at the speed with which he appeared, and that he had time to get such a perfect stick.) Anyway, he did get rid of the rat quickly. It ran out the door and we tried to pretend it had never happened. Except for now.

Anyway, all encounters with rats aside, it's been a good week. Things are starting to come together a little for the DTS here-- which is still something that freaks me out a bit. But would it be worth it if it didn't? I don't know. It's kind of irrelevant, anyway.

The team is doing a great job here. They are really positive and fun to be around, and are reaching out to people wherever they go. Just the other day they met this girl at the beach and talked to her for ages... it's interesting how much more loving I usually feel when I don't feel pressured to be loving. Sometimes on outreach you get this "outreach mentality" of constantly needing to validate everything you're doing by throwing a little gospel in. But what I really want is for the gospel to permeate my life and for this good news to just be automatic in everything I do. Grocery shopping, swimming, whatever... I want to reach out to the people around me out of an inherent love and understanding of God's heart for them, not out of duty. I think that this team does a good job of that.

Anyway, random thoughts from week six on Guam.

The Most Embarrassing Part of My Week-- or, How Mary Learned the Hula

2009-01-28T15:34:00.002+10:00

So, the team has been going to the local Chamorro Village every week, which is basically a tourist trap that sets up once a week and sells all kinds of souvenirs and local food. But it's a great place to go and talk to people and hang out and get a feel for what's going on. A couple of weeks ago, the girls met a local dance group that does hula dancing, and they were invited to come along to practice the next week. I'm pretty sure that we surprised all of them when all of us girls showed up at practice that Friday.

It turns out that I need some work when it comes to hula dancing. But it is fun. And it's a really cool chance to hang out with locals and learn about stuff that they love, and hopefully show God's love to them. They are mostly young girls-- a lot of them are really little, and they just love us. They are always hanging on us and around us and are the cutest thing ever. Also, they dance circles around us.

The first week wasn't so bad; they took pity on us, basically. But week 2 was... well, it was all about humility. The four of us NZ girls were lined up in the back behind all of the little local girls, and we were trying to copy them, and we looked ridiculous. Which wouldn't be so bad, except that we were practicing outside, in front of anyone who wanted to watch. We'd sent the boys off to play basketball at the local court, and gave them specific instructions to come back ten minutes AFTER the lesson started. So we were a little bit sad when the van pulled up ten minutes before we were finished. Luckily, Caleb, who was driving, knew better than to make fun of us.

Picture this: a beautiful, starlit, tropical night... there are palm trees silhouetted in the background. Twenty girls with long black hair and brown skin are swaying gracefully to ukulele music and drum beats. And behind them, four awkward white girls are trying to keep up. That is how I spend my Friday nights. But it's worth it. I think something good might come out of it-- not counting that I MIGHT learn to hula. Time will tell...

Inspired

2009-01-20T11:45:00.002+10:00

Yesterday was our free day... and we hung out with some of the local pastors' kids and another girl who showed us some cool waterfalls and stuff around the island. It mostly was a day that involved a lot of mosquito bites and sunburn, and a lot of swimming for the rest of the team. I refrained because I had an ear infection last week and wanted to keep my ear dry. Fascinating, I know.

Anyway, when we were getting started, we all met at the pastors' house to convene. And I was talking to Allison, who is one of the pastors, and she was telling us about how they had spent part of the morning already looking over some new property that they are hoping to build on. She told us that they have been on the mission field for 21 years now. And just now they are beginning to see some of the dreams that they started out with start to be fulfilled. I'm sure that they've been surprised on the way, too, by all the things that have come along that they never would have guessed. But I was really inspired by the commitment to stick something out for 21 years until they saw the original vision start to take shape. That's kind of a long time in the short-term world that I live in. My life has been happening in 6 month intervals, it feels like, and at the end of each 6 months, I have a new group of young people going out into the world having had an encounter with God and ready to make a difference. Which has its good and bad points. The thing is, I so often have an expectation of God to make quick work of things. And usually he has, actually. But when he doesn't, I get frustrated. And there are enough examples in the Bible of God taking his time to fulfill his promises to his people that I should not be surprised if it takes a long time. And yet... anyway, that's what I've been thinking about today. Being faithful. That's what I want to do.

Hafa Adai!

2009-01-14T12:09:00.003+10:00

Where to begin? Guam is a crazy little island, first of all. It's such a weird mix of the islands and American culture. We live in a building that is-- right now, at least-- basically a shelter for us right now, without much else to work with than beds and a shower. Which is totally normal for outreach. But then we go to the grocery store, and the shelves are filled with things like Betty Crocker cake frosting and Cheetos and Pringles, and that is a bit of a shock sometimes. And then we visit people in really normal, American homes with air conditioning and TVs and everything that seems normal. And that is also a weird feeling. But I think it's really good for the team, actually, to be in a more "normal" setting and try to figure out how to reach people. In the islands, it's really easy to reach out, because all you do is visit a chief or leader and then set up a program, or walk out your door and talk to one of the 50 people who stare at you all day, every day. But here, it's not so easy. So it's cool to have to figure out how to get into the places that we want to get into and what the deeper needs are in the community, and what that means as far as what we do. I think that's a pretty priceless life skill for most of these students.

Opportunities to do stuff seem very plentiful-- we have hooked up with a local church that is working on things like alcohol abuse prevention, and who are very community-focused. This morning we visited the mayor's office and found a ton of immediate needs that we can help out with. We've been hanging out at the local basketball courts and other places where kids are hanging out, just listening and telling our stories, and there are about 5 youth groups that we are involved with, as well as a women's recovery center that we've been spending time at. There's a lot to do that both affects right now and that works with structures that will last once we're gone, which is cool.

So the team is doing pretty well. Things on base were not as I expected to find them-- the base is having a tough time, and that makes it hard to really make firm plans for the DTS, etc., that I am planning on leading in March. I think it's probably good to have the team here, if only just to breath a little bit of life and hope into the place. I can see that there is already a little difference in the staff on base.

Every once in a while I have a moment of total "what the heck am I doing?" going through my head. I really did feel like God was leading me here, and there is an obvious need for me to be here, but part of me wants to crawl into a hole and find something to do that's not going to be so hard. Am I really giving up my house and my bedroom and a place where everyone knows and loves me to come and live on the floor in a place where I am totally different than everyone else, and half of the things I say go unheard? Yes, I am. But then again, I am going to have an adventure, and I am going to learn a lot, and I could possibly have a lot of fun. And God has never really left me hanging yet. And maybe he will even use me to do something amazing. So, the possibilities outweigh the panic... May it always be so.

Guam!

2009-01-01T11:17:00.002+10:00

So, I am in Guam, alive and well! We had plenty of adventures getting here, including: losing the fan cover (?- I’m not actually sure what that means) of the van I was driving to the airport in New Zealand on the road, which gave us a 45 minute detour (not bad, all things considered!). We did make our plane almost exactly (punctuality is my super power, after all), and then flew it old school to Korea. We actually flew directly over Guam, and then continued for another 4 and a half hours. Yes. All to save a few hundred dollars. So that was a long flight. With not much entertainment, but at least we had each other. Also, I never did actually figure out during that flight that there are two audio channels on the plane, one in Korean and one in English, so during the movie, I was pretty sad that it was only in Korean. And then really embarrassed when I figured out on the next flight what had happened.

Anyway, after a brief stop in Seoul, we came back another 4 and half hours to Guam. And now we are here. It’s sticky here. Kind of hot, too, but mostly just sticky. The YWAM base we’re working with is in the part of the island that is mostly populated with Micronesians, which is really cool. (A lot of the population here are not actually from Micronesia.) The base has been going through some tough times, so there is not much power—it’s only on in half of the base—and all the internet and phones have been turned off, so we’re trying to get creative with that. It was definitely an adventure when nobody picked us up at the airport and we couldn't reach the base by phone! Or at all! They eventually showed up 4 hours late, after a nice air force officer bought us breakfast.

There seems to be a lot to do here—just walking through the neighborhood, there are tons of kids who want to hang out, and lots to do to help the base here get back to running order, and a lot of churches who want the team to help out with different things. I’m trying to wrap my mind around living here a little longer than this two months and what that will look like when I’m the only western person on base, and how to run a DTS that is suited for islanders, not westerners. I think I have a lot to learn, so I’m glad to have these two months to figure things out a little more and really pray and find ways to continue the things that this team starts while they are here. I’m really excited about the possibilities, though! I’m pretty sure that there are some ridiculous stories coming up, so stay tuned!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

2008-12-28T10:44:00.002+10:00

So, I feel a little bit like life is getting away from me. Mostly because I am leaving for Guam tomorrow morning and have not packed at all! And I need to do my laundry! And clean my house! In a classic procrastination maneuver, I am now blogging instead. Which I was wanting to do, too, so at least I can tick that off of my list.

Guam! I'm excited. Still kind of unsure as to what awaits me, but that's cool. The outreach team leader of the team that's going at the same time as me was asking me this morning if I'd heard from the base leader there about if they are picking us up, or what. I was like, no, haven't you? No, she had not. But I figure, it's not that big of an island. What's the worst that could happen?

In other news, Christmas was great. We had a lot of fun and a LOT of food. On Christmas Eve one of the local families that we are friends with invited the whole school over and we spent the evening with them. Grant, the dad of the family, took us all on a hay ride through his farm, which was pretty much the most fun thing we could have done. There's something about stuff like that-- it's just pure fun. We were powering up and down the hills and sheep were scattering everywhere around us, and the sunset was this brilliant pinky orange and we sang off-tune Christmas Carols and then headed back to the house for hot apple cider. It was a really good night.

Christmas Day was also good--someone gave us a pig, and so we had to figure out what to actually do with said pig, which was kind of funny. Laura, one of my staff, was the hero--she arranged to have another farmer up the road come cut it up for us and then roasted it. It came out beautifully, and then the two of us just stared at it and wondered what to do next. In the end we put on gloves and just pulled the meat off of the bones. It was delicious. The whole day I felt like the mother of 15 adults, which was slightly disconcerting. At the same time I felt like a kid faking that I was a grown-up. I wonder if you ever grow out of that? Maybe you just get so used to faking it that eventually you start to actually believe that you know what you're doing. Hmm.

Anyway, I hope all of you had a Merry Christmas and that you have an amazing New Year! Hopefully I will be writing safe and sound and with a perfectly packed bag of luggage from Guam soon!

The Prodigal Blogger Returns

2008-12-16T15:59:00.002+10:00

So, a couple of days ago, I was on my computer quickly checking my email, and my Norton anti-virus was quite alarmed by something, so I clicked the "fix" button that popped up with the warning (I'm so high-tech!). Norton responded with this message: "Please wait. Norton will now fix your problems." Oh Norton. Sometimes you are so naive.

Anyway, my problems are really not so major, anyway. A short update: the DTS is going really well. Exceptionally well, even. I have loved pretty much every minute I've had with these students; they are sweet and hilarious and smart and tenacious and ready for anything. Probably the hardest thing is that I just like them so much that I don't take enough time to just be by myself. One of those problems that I'm pretty blessed to have.

In other news, I am going to Guam in two weeks! The DTS that I was supposed to lead has been postponed, but I have a ticket, so I'm going anyway. We have an outreach team from the DTS going at the same time, and I'll help out a bit, but I want to let the team leader have a chance to lead, so I will try to find my own things to do, also. I'm actually kind of excited at the adventures that are awaiting me! Like my dad said, God can redeem our changed plans (or something along those lines), and I'm pretty sure something awesome is in store. I'm excited to check out Guam and find ways to serve the people there and the YWAM base.

Anyway, I'm going to cut this short, because this is my first afternoon off in like a month and I'm having penguin- shaped waffles with Becks, my house-mate! Over and out.

Sledgehammer Living

2008-10-28T13:31:00.003+10:00

Oh man! Hello, everyone out there in blogland. I am, once again, so sorry that it's been so long. I forgot about how incredibly busy it is easy to get during a DTS. My time is filled from 7am until I crash into bed at night at around 11pm, do my nightly crossword puzzle, and fall asleep.

I'm loving (almost) every minute of it, too. This DTS is really an awesome group of students-- they are totally excited and committed about being a part of what God is doing here and in the rest of the world. It's soooooo fun to get to be a part of a group like this, and a privilege to be the one leading them. Sometimes I just kind of laugh to myself, because I NEVER would have guessed, four years ago, that I would be leading something like this. And that it would be going well.

I think, in the midst of the incredible busy-ness, that I am really experiencing what it means to have "fullness of life." One of the students gave a devotion the other day, and he encouraged the school to participate in, as he called it, "sledgehammer living," which I loved as an analogy. Basically what he meant was to do things wholeheartedly, whatever it is that you are doing-- getting up for breakfast in the morning and being part of a community, sweeping the floor, chopping vegetables, leading a staff meeting, singing a praise song, listening to lectures, playing games in the lounge... whatever you do, do it with full commitment. Just like swinging a sledgehammer-- do it with strength and follow through. And once that thing is going, it's hard to pull out. I guess that this is not something that you want to apply to your every whim, but it is important, I think. If God asks me to do something, I want to do it wholeheartedly. Sledgehammer living. I like it.

Which brings me to my next step... I have been asked to lead a DTS in Guam, and I have decided to go. This might not sound like a huge deal to everyone, but it is taking more faith than I thought it would to follow through and make this happen. I prayed about it and really felt like this is something that I should do, and so I said yes. Now the reality is setting in that I am going somewhere where I don't know ANYONE and I don't know anything about Micronesian culture, and most of the students are Micronesian, and it overlaps with this DTS, which actually works out pretty easily, but still it is something to worry about if you like to worry, and is God really going to provide for me, and what about after that, and... seriously, it's kind of ridiculous what I can let myself get worked up about. BUT, the sledgehammer has already been swung, so I am going for it! I think that God has got some pretty cool lessons in faith waiting for me, and some pretty cool adventures, and... who is really swinging the sledgehammer, anyway? I know that it's my life and that I have free will, but sometimes it seems like this thing is swinging way harder and farther than my arms can actually take it, and I'm just holding on for dear life and watching the walls that are in my way crash down around me. Hmm. Food for thought.

Anyway, I'm off to dinner. Which I will eat wholeheartedly. :) To those who have been praying for me: thanks. The amount of energy that I have had the last month and a half is really amazing. A couple of years ago, I could barely walk to the end of the driveway (It is a long driveway, but still), and this school I have spent hours caving and kayaking and dancing and singing, and it is really cool to me that I can do these things again without needing days to recover, and it is awesome for me to be there for those activities with the school, too, and help process what is going on while it's happening. Woo hoo!

I am alive... just busy!

2008-10-09T13:37:00.003+10:00

Hi there! Sorry to anyone who has been wondering what is going on with me. The answer is: a lot. I got back into NZ in mid-September and hit the ground running. It was a huge blessing for me to just be allowed back into the country, so I was glad that my conversation with NZ immigration went pretty well. Thanks to everyone who was praying!

We started staff training about 2 days after I arrived, and we have all new DTS staff this school, aside from myself and Scotty, who is co-leading the school with me. They are all awesome, but it has taken a lot of energy to remember to teach things that have become second nature to me! It's been great, though.

The DTS started on 27 Sept., and is off to a really good start. There are 12 students, and I already love them all ridiculously. They are a really great bunch of people who I am loving hanging out with, and they are really open to new experiences and to whatever God wants to do in their lives, which to me means that he will do a lot. I'm really looking forward to seeing how he is going to rock our worlds!

Okay, that's my quick update. I really do have to run... I hope that everyone reading this is doing well! I miss home, but it's really been great to be here, too, so far. Alas, I love too many places. :) I'm hoping to post some photos soon from my most recent venture in farming life: docking lambs' tails. Believe me, these are photos for the books. Anyway, that's all for now!

Better Late Than Never?

2008-07-19T04:17:00.004+10:00

Okay, so I have a few last pictures from Scotland to put up... starting with a photo of Loch Tromlee and the ruins that used to be a keep that my ancestors lived in. Pretty cool, huh? It may look like a pile of rocks partially covered by water to you, but I know better. It took a bit of detective work to find this (my older brother, John, did some of it from home, too...), and then a surprising amount of walking ensued, but here it is:

And here's the slightly more impressive (but who's comparing?) Urquhart Castle on Loch Ness. Sadly, the Loch Ness Monster did not make it into the photo, but if you look closely, you can see some suspicious shadows.

And lastly, here's the William Wallace Memorial. By the way, if I was an attacking Englishman, I would totally think twice about running up the ridiculous hill that you have to go up to get to the fortress. Of course, after we hiked to the top, we found out that there was a free shuttle we could have taken.

So there you have it! I have had a great time at home so far, and am looking forward to the rest of the summer, too. I love America, but I feel a little foreign here sometimes! I may be doomed to a life of feeling foreign wherever I go. But if I have to be doomed to something, I guess that's not so bad.

Some Photos

2008-06-16T05:47:00.005+10:00

Hi there! Here are a few more photos from Scotland... I'm having a great week in Portland so far: lots of movies and furniture shopping and hanging out with my mom. Next week I'm off to spend the week with my grandmother in Oklahoma; my dad is already there, so I'll get to spend some time with him then!

Okay, pics:

This is Yvonne, me and Anna on Iona...

There are these awesome telephone booths all over the place-- this one happened to be in the middle of nowhere, which seemed kind of ridiculous, but also kind of cool. So we took a picture.

The Iona Abbey

Glen Coe-- as you can see, we had amazing weather!

Okay, and this one's kind of out of sequence... it's me and my roommate, Rebecca at Culzean Castle sometime in May. By the way, the "z" in Culzean is silent. Go Gaelic for being totally hard to figure out!

I've Got The Blues...

2008-06-11T06:16:00.002+10:00

...For Kraft Macaroni and Cheese! Yes, it's true. At this very moment I am eating Kraft Spider man shaped mac and cheese, and I am loving every minute of it. Mmmmmmmmmm. Ah, life's guilty pleasures. But today, I refuse to feel guilty.

So, I'm home! Man, it is so good to be here. I had a really wonderful time in Scotland, but the last few days I was just wanting to be home. And now I am. Yay! I caught a cab from my hostel yesterday morning (which was a loooooooooooong time ago-- longer than the average yesterday morning), and had a good chat with my cabbie on the way. I told him that I was really excited to go to America and see my friends and family, and he said, "you'll probably get spoiled rotten." I just laughed. But I am already getting spoiled rotten, starting with mac and cheese, and high-speed internet, and cable television, and a really nice warm shower, and my parents' incredible library of books (not to mention all of my old books that I grew up with) and the best -- seriously, the best-- pillow I have ever slept on. All that on top of seeing my parents again, and being in a country where people are not always asking me to repeat myself.

It's a little bit chilly here (who would have thought that Scotland would be warmer than Portland?), but that is totally fine with me, because I have been dreaming about green bean casserole for like a year and a half, and it's the perfect day to have a warm dish like that! My life is amazing!

I have already attempted to drive, which was a little bit dangerous-- especially after logging a thousand miles on Scottish roads. But I only turned onto the wrong side of the road once, and it was in a parking lot, so no big deal.

So... that's me for now. I still have some photos from Scotland that I will post soon, and I have some decisions to make looming in the future, but for this week, I am just going to relax and enjoy my ridiculously blessed life. Later, alligator!

Just So Nobody is Scared:

2008-06-04T08:22:00.002+10:00

I just want to clarify that food in Scotland is actually good. Even haggis is good. I mean, it's not something I would eat all the time, but it's not bad. Don't talk about black pudding.

Here are some REALLY good foods that are Scottish (or that I've eaten for the first time in Scotland):

Oat Cakes. They are not sweet. But they are amazing with...

Goat Brie. I know it's probably not Scottish, but I learned about it here. And it's good.

Mushy Peas

Shortbread

Scottish Tablet

That's enough for now. It's very late. Go out and find yourself some mushy peas!

Today, I Ate Haggis for Breakfast

2008-06-04T07:18:00.004+10:00

Hello! Yes, I am back. I have finished the course I was taking, which sucked up all of my time, but was really amazing as well. It was such a good chance to really evaluate the last few years, especially, and to set some goals for the future. I might share more later, but there are some people I need to talk to first!

Anyway, so now it's over, and I am having a little holiday here in Scotland. I love Scotland. Have I mentioned that? On Sunday, two other ladies, Anna and Yvonne, and I headed up north to the Isle of Mull. We stopped at Loch Lomond, and also hung out for a bit at Glencoe on the way. I've pretty much gotten driving our little rental car down-- knock on wood! It's small but zippy and fun to drive.

Anyway, the Isle of Mull is beautiful, and I wish we'd had more time to explore it, because there was a lot to see. There are these wild-looking cliffs and hills completely purple with wild rhodedendrons, and all these ridiculous one-lane roads. We stayed at a hotel called the "Argyll Arms," which apparently used to be a hunting lodge for the Duke of Argyll, but now is a hotel. One of the things included with our stay was a Scottish breakfast, which includes black pudding and haggis. And so I ate it. I do not actually know what black pudding is. This is because I do not want to know, so please don't tell me.

Okay, but the best thing was that on Monday, we went to Iona, which is right next to Mull. Most people probably don't know this, but I am really interested in the old Celtic saints and all that history, so going to Iona was a bit of a dream come true for me. Iona is the island where St. Columba ("Colum Cille") set up shop when he came from Ireland to bring Christianity to Scotland. This was around 480 AD, I think. Give or take. Circa, even, for all of you history buffs.

Iona is this beautiful little island. The Iona abbey is still there, although it's been destroyed and re-built. There are certain walls and things that are still from the medieval abbey, but the really old buildings are gone. There is a nunnery that is in ruins from 1200 AD or so, and a medieval walkway called the "path of the dead" that goes by the cemetery, which was the burial site for many ancient Scottish kings, including Macbeth. Also, there are all of these beautiful and wild-looking rock formations all over the place, which add to the air of mystery.

It was one of the most beautiful and warm days I've had for a long time yesterday, and we walked to the opposite side of the island from the abbey and discovered that Iona is also home to these incredible white sand beaches. The water looked like it was going to be warm, but we tested it, and it was not. However, I did spend a lot of time laying on the rocks next to the water, and drawing and painting, and it's pretty much a really good place to spend a day. There was a seal who thought so, too.

Sometimes there are moments that just feel like should be frozen in time, and yesterday was a whole day full of those moments. It was so beautiful, and so refreshing, and the sky was so blue, and the water was so clear, and the island is so full of the footprints of saints who lived out an ancient faith-- the same faith that I practice now. It puts things in perspective, I guess. And there's nothing like a little perspective.

I also consider the amazing weather to be a total blessing from God to me. So congratulations to all you lucky people who came to the island on the same day as me. You can thank me later. :)

The Surreal Life

2008-04-24T03:57:00.005+10:00

So... I'm still in Scotland. I'm feeling pretty spoiled, actually. This afternoon I went for a walk and took some photos-- I think the island is Arran... but sadly, I have not become any better at remembering things like that.

Today we talked about team work and different personality types, etc... it was good, if not particularly new. But this course is good for actually working through what those things mean a little more. Anyway... not much to say, really. Here are some photos:

You can see my window here!

The island...

town rooftops and the island:

Okay, secretly this is a few days later than I originally wrote the rest of it-- had a great day in Glasgow today. It was super sunny the whole time we were there, and then got cloudy again on the train ride home. So yay for sun. Anyway, gotta run. I have homework!

Scotland

2008-04-22T01:59:00.002+10:00

Scotland rules.

Seriously, it is so beautiful here. And also the town that I'm staying in, West Kilbride, is adorable. There are all these brick buildings and big churches with steeples and church bells, and there's a glen right by the base where I'm staying that you can walk through, and I can see the ocean from my window.

Today I met a man who would have been staff for my DTS if I had done it here 6 years ago. And instead, I ended up in New Zealand. Which is also beautiful. But it's so strange to think about how different my life might be today if I had ended up here in 2002 instead of there. Oh, life. I think it's in Prince Caspian that Aslan says something to Lucy about how we don't get to know what might have been, only what is. And that's probably a good thing. But sometimes I indulge my imagination anyway.

Whatever. I am here now, and that is good. Although, I am so tired... I woke up at 2am today and was wide awake. Stupid jet lag. I am fighting to stay awake until bed time, and then should get my internal clock or whatever straightened out for the rest of the week. And that is all of my news for now. Boring, huh? Anyway, I'm going.

This is the Day

2008-04-14T09:10:00.002+10:00

Okay, so in a couple of hours I will be loading up a car and heading to Auckland to catch my plane home. I am pretty excited... although it still kind of feels like just a normal day. Then again, in my life, this is not SO unusual. I guess that I am often getting on airplanes and flying places. It's just that I feel like this is going to be a significant time. Not that the rest of my life hasn't been significant... it's just... whatever. Obviously, I cannot explain it. And so I will stop trying.

But the other thing that I am excited about is the flight, itself. I love airplane flights (usually). I love the airport, and all the different people and all of their intriguing stories that I make up for them. I love the smell of airports and airplanes. I love watching as many movies as I want to on my own personal little screen. I love getting my food tray and opening every little container of food. And so, I love flying.

You can all pray for me to get bumped up to first class. Some day, it will happen, I know it. :)

Okay, here I go. Woo hoo!

2 days

2008-04-12T11:54:00.002+10:00

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! 2 days left until I leave! I am so not ready. And I am so not helping the situation by sitting around all Saturday morning watching movies and checking email. But... well, I've always been a bit of a procrastinator.

Okay, also: I am now officially 30 years old. I sat in meetings most of the day on my birthday, but then all of the YWAM New Zealand ministry leaders (we were having a ministry leaders' meeting, so I was in Auckland) went mini-golfing in the evening, and then we had a little cafe night at one of the Te Au Marama bases and there was cake for me and also a chocolate banana smoothie that was really good. And everyone was really great and fun and it was just nice. I had a really good night.

And now I'm just getting ready to go (except that I'm not! Hmmm...) and chilling. Tonight is my friend Juliet's 30 birthday, so she's having a big party, which should be fun. I'm pretty excited to get home, and also to go to Scotland, and cannot believe that I will be there in a week. Seriously, a year ago, I had this passing thought that I'd really like to go to Scotland and do this school, and dismissed it as basically impossible. And now I'm going!

Anyway... the meetings that I was at were really good, and really kind of set a stage for the next little while for me, I think. We talked a lot about not getting caught up in doing stuff so much, and just getting to know God in a deeper way. Which, actually, is something that I always talk about. But now I'm actually taking some serious time to do it. And of course, doing stuff is important, too. But... well, whatever. This is going to be a good year. And it's going to be a crazy one. And I'm excited about that.

It Figures

2008-04-06T20:15:00.004+10:00

It's Feijoa season here in New Zealand. If you have never eaten a feijoa, then I recommend that you try one. The awesome thing about New Zealand is that fruit trees just grow all over people's yards and gardens here. And feijoa trees are one of the many. And the fruit is good.

Tonight Becks and I were sitting around our lounge floor (we call living rooms "lounges" here, Americans), eating a pile of feijoas. I thought to myself that they must be very healthy, because... well, they are fruit. And they're kind of sour, so they can't have much sugar. They are a little gritty on the edges, and you eat the seeds, so they must be high in fiber. And they grow in people's yards, right next to the lemons and mandarins, so of course they must have lots of vitamin C. The logic, as you can see, is mind-blowing. Whatever. The main point is that I was very proud of my pile of fruit, and so I decided to find out the exact degree of health that I was showering upon my stomach.

Here's the thing: I think they are not unhealthy, for the most part. But the vitamin C level was kind of disappointing. And allegedly there is no fiber. And also, feijoas actually contain fat. What the heck? I mean, like a gram of fat. That seems like a lot to me, for a fruit that is not an avocado. I'm kind of mad that I looked up the feijoa nutrition content, because I really would prefer to just continue to feel self-righteous in my feijoa eating. Now it's ruined. But I still like them, don't worry.

What was the point of this story again? Hmmm... Maybe that it's time for bed. Even though I got an extra hour of sleep today, because daylight savings ended in NZ last night. Yay! Best day of the year! But I should still go to bed. Good night!

P.S. 8 days...

Oh My Life

2008-04-02T19:31:00.002+10:00

Okay, the countdown is officially beginning. In 12 days I am leaving New Zealand. For a while. Tonight we had our weekly community meeting, and everyone prayed for me, since I won't be at the meeting next week. It kind of just hit me as I stood at the front of the room with all of these people surrounding me that... oh man. I am actually doing this. I mean, I have been home before, and it was exciting, but not as exciting as this time. And of course, I am finally going to Scotland, and the course that I am doing will-- I think-- be really good for me. But I just feel like there are new things coming for me. And that is good. In 8 days I will be thirty years old. That is insane. But I think that this year is gonna be a big one for me. So... I guess I will just live it and see what happens!

I have been SOOOOO busy lately. This is mainly because there is no cook for everyone on base, and I am kind of the obvious not-doing-anything-else person around right now. And cooking for 30 people takes up a lot of time. Sigh. I need to get started packing, which is very forward thinking, and unusual for me, but I am going to be gone at a 3-day meeting next week, (YWAM really could mean "Youth With a Meeting" sometimes...) and then time will race by and I am going to be really sad that I did not pack earlier if I don't do it now.

And I am pretty sure that most of what I just wrote qualifies as rambling. So I'm gonna go to bed. But... it's really happening. 12 days. Good night.

The Latest

2008-03-25T20:44:00.002+10:00

Bwah! How does a week go by so quickly?!!!!

So I spent all of last week in Auckland driving the DTS around while they were staying there. It was nice to be in the city, but frustrating to be a driver who knew just enough to be an accidental middle-man (middle-woman!) sometimes between the DTS students and staff. Luckily I had my friend Daniel to hang out with and also to run away with sometimes. Also, I got to sit in on lectures with Winkie Pratney, which I really was excited for. They were really great and refreshing-- he was talking about the character and nature of God and how that is reflected in art and how it could be reflected in art in the future, and it was cool stuff. So. There you go.

I also found out last week that coming back into New Zealand after my time in Scotland and at home is going to be more complicated than I had thought and hoped. Which, of course, has got my mind going a mile a minute. What can I do to get back here? What SHOULD I do? Is God wanting me to be finished here? Is God even telling me something or is this a choose-your-own-adventure kind of situation? What if I'm missing something? AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

All that panic is well and good, but actually not super helpful. So for now, I am trying to breathe deeply and enjoy my time here, and serve the best I know how to, and wait for the next bit of direction. Oy. This morning, I was still kind of freaking out on the inside (don't worry-- on the outside, I am the epitome of calm, cool, and collected), and read my Bible verses for the day as prescribed by my Celtic daily prayer book. They were all good verses, and actually had quite a bit to do with direction and trusting God for specific situations. But what really spoke to me was the last one, I think because it reminded me to just do what I know to do right now. To follow God and be faithful, and not freak out. I get so easily caught up in doing the right thing that I often forget that my character-- who I am choosing to BE-- counts. So here's Colossians 3:12-15 (ish) from the Message:

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness."

So... I have a long way to go. But somehow, it's good. I have peace, again, and unreasonably. And now I'm going to sleep.

Posting Poetry Makes Me Nervous, It Turns Out.

2008-03-14T21:14:00.005+10:00

Okay, I have a kind of confession to make: I am a closet poet. I am not saying that it is good poetry that I write. In fact, you might go so far as to call me a "poet." With quotes. But the thing is, sometimes I feel like it takes a lot of words to express what I want to say. And with a poem, I can use less words, and if nobody understands what I am trying to say, it's okay, because that expression is somehow now art.

I am not claiming to be a "logician."

And to be honest, my poems probably still have more words than necessary. But what I am really trying to say here is that today I drove one of our guest speakers home, and I spent something like 6 hours in a van, and my brain had plenty of time to run wild, and I wrote something as a result of my long drive. I am not really looking for literary critique so much as trying to give you a little window into my mind. Proceed at your own risk...

Unrest
Is apparent in a late-night drive
Along a well-traveled highway.
My co-pilot sleeps,
Her head nodding against the fogged window.
Music blares loudly;
It will not silence the questions that stretch before me,
Brighter in my mind than the expanse of reflectors
In the middle of the road...

I don’t want to be middle-of-the-road.

A sigh breathes my unspoken queries:
How many more times will I drive this route?
What else is out there for me?
I want to turn around
And go somewhere where expectations are low
And familiarity is earned
And being taken for granted is understood as a profound irony.

Responsibility propels me along my reflector-guided path;
Providence directs my gaze to the moonlight-drenched fields around me...

For satisfaction of what carelessly crafted desire
Would I miss this beauty that surpasses selfishness?
For what would I deny myself the quickly drawn breath
That I take in as I see shadowed trees cut into the star-riddled sky
And a moon that reminisces the brilliance of sunlight
With a wistful humility…

Pieces of plastic on the road lead me dutifully,
But the luminous Reflector of the night sky paints a bigger picture.

And even as my questions hang thick in the air,
I know peace.

This Explains Everything

2008-03-12T12:09:00.005+10:00

Okay, so I spent yesterday in bed, because I feel terrible. Which is ridiculous, because it has been absolutely beautiful outside for the last two days. But... well, whatever. This is what happens when you live in close proximity to a lot of other people, and some of them get sick.

This morning I got up and decided to do some work in the office, so I headed over there, and then I needed to mail something, so I pulled some stamps out of the stamp drawer. I couldn't find the right denomination of stamp for a while, so had to search around for a bit, and I suddenly realized that there was something a little bit strange about the international postcard stamps that we have. I blinked a couple of times, and then decided that it was not the sickness that was messing with my head. No, the truth is, the postcard stamps have pictures of rats on them. Yes, I said RATS. This made absolutely no sense to me, so I inspected them more closely. First of all, the caption on the stamps say something like, "New Zealand Pocket Pals," which made me gag a little. And then I noticed some Chinese characters, and realized that it also said "The Year of the Rat."

Eureka! This totally explains all of my rat problems. You cannot name a year "The Year of the Rat," and then expect to have no encounters with rats. Right? Okay, but here's my question: why is the Chinese year of the rat featured on NEW ZEALAND postal stamps? This does not actually make any sense to me. And also... well... just, why? When does the Chinese year end, anyway? I'm already sick of the year of the rat. I hope that next year is the year of some sort of baby animal, like a puppy or a foal. That would be cuter. Or something obscure, like the Sasquatch. I would like to see one of those, for sure. As long as it doesn't eat me or anything.

One last thing

2008-03-07T19:38:00.003+10:00

Okay, I also have to mention that today I saw a man mowing a lawn wearing a Speedo. I was with my friend Scotty, and we looked at each other and were totally like, "undies!" If you don't understand why this was so funny to us, you should really watch the commercial I posted a couple of weeks ago. What I would really like is for the man who was mowing the lawn to watch the commercial. The end.

Adventures in Babysitting

2008-03-07T18:57:00.003+10:00

Last night, I babysat for three children-- ages 8, 5, and 3. Their parents were gone for the night, so I stayed with them.

Parents of the world: I commend you. I have not gotten so little sleep in a long time. Crying children were crawling into my bed at all hours of the night, and then totally taking over. I was like, um, I am the adult here, so you should be taking up less space than me, three-year-old. But no. Also, if I moved to a new bed, there was more crying.

Mom and Dad, are you laughing at me right now? I am pretty sure that I spent a lot of nights as a kid taking over my parents' bed. But, in my own defense, I went from no kids to three kids in only one night. Of course, now I'm back to no kids, so I guess I can't complain too much. Well, no kids, but one rat. Actually, maybe the rat is gone-- I wasn't here last night, so it's totally possible that the poison was working while I was lying awake last night.

Okay, but don't get me wrong. I do like kids. I even like those particular kids. I was just a little bit sad about... you know. Not sleeping. This is why, if I have kids, I hope to kind of ease into it... one at a time, instead of three sudden ones. And also to have a husband, who can wake up instead of me. If it's your own kid, do you feel a little better about letting him or her cry a little? That's what I wondered about in the wee hours of the morning today.

In other news, I also bought a ticket to Scotland yesterday! I'm really excited. It was harder than I thought to do it. The problem is that there was no perfect ticket-- only tickets that would get me there kind of close to the time I wanted. And so, eventually, I just chose one. And now I'm going. Yay!

And now it's time for bed. I wonder how many words I can get in my crossword puzzle tonight before I fall asleep. I'm thinking not many.

Rodent Update # 2

2008-03-05T12:00:00.002+10:00

Today is the day of reckoning for the rats. Ross came and put poison at all the places that a rat could have gotten into the wall. Take that, rats! And also, please die outside, and not inside my house.

Well, other than that, things are pretty uneventful for me. Office work as usual, and hanging out with Sam, my little buddy, and... well, that's it. Maybe something exciting will happen this afternoon that I can tell you about. Maybe.

Tuesday

2008-03-04T18:02:00.002+10:00

Rodent update: I do not actually have a mouse in my room. What I have is a rat in my wall. And ceiling. Is that better? On the one hand, at least it is not actually in my room. On the other hand, a rat is much bigger than a mouse. And it could actually get into my room whenever it wants, I'm thinking. I could try to poison it. But then, what if it dies IN the wall, and starts to stink up the house? Gross.

So, other than over-thinking my rat problem, I have been pretty busy in the last couple of days. It's been nice to not be in lectures with the school... but instead I have been working on the computer, answering questions and emailing prospective students and trying to download photos for the website, etc. It has been surprisingly time-consuming. And very rainy. A combination that makes me sleepy. So I think I'll go to bed. After one last round of Text Twist and a crossword puzzle! There is nothing like a crossword puzzle to distract a person from thinking about rats. I'm pretty sure this is a proven fact.

Oh, Rats

2008-03-03T13:12:00.004+10:00

Okay, so here's a question: is it coincidence that the same day that I watched Ratatouille, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a rodent in my room? Seriously. I liked the movie, but I had a hard time getting over the whole rats in the kitchen thing. Especially when they walked on all four paws. It just kind of made me shiver. And then, last night, I woke up to the sound of rustling and gnawing. They will not leave me alone!

The thing is, I have been on outreach several times and slept perfectly soundly, knowing full well that there are rats and mice in the building with me. And I've even slept on the floor in those places. But there is something about them in your own room that is just disturbing. For me, it goes back to Little House on the Prairie... which in my family is apparently the sum of all fears. Well, the fear of mice. And also the fear of the KKK, which I had nightmares about when I was smaller, although I think that one is actually because of Father Murphy, which I think was a Little House spin-off. And also my brother hated the show because of one episode where Laura thought Mrs. Olsen's head got cut off and my brother had bad dreams about it. ANYWAY, there was this one time that mice ate Pa's hair in the night while he was sleeping. This may have actually been in the book, not the TV show. But maybe both. But the point is that I really don't want mice to eat my hair in the night, and so I don't like having mice in my room. And that is why I set out my trusty peanut butter trap this morning. The end.

This Week

2008-03-01T19:53:00.002+10:00

Oh, how the time flies. This week has been pretty busy for me, which is NOT what I was planning on when I said I was not staffing this school. But there is a serious lack of drivers to take them places, which is sad because it means I spend a lot of time driving people around, but good because I have gotten to go to cool places for free.

For example, this week I drove to the nearby waterfall to go swimming, which was very cold, but also beautiful. And then I drove to Kai Iwi Lakes, which is a really amazing and beautiful place north of here. The school went camping for a couple of days, and I also camped in my awesome tent, which was given to me by one of the staff who just left, Ben. I love that tent. It is only big enough for me and my stuff... I guess you could fit two people and no stuff, but it would definitely be squished. Anyway, it was great, and the lakes were also great, and pretty warm, and clear, and refreshing. We got back Thursday, and yesterday I cooked lunch and dinner for everyone in between all the things I was trying to do in the office, which did not get finished, by the way. And also, do not talk to me about the ridiculous quiche-making experience I had yesterday. I will say only this: do not underestimate the amount of time needed when making a gigantic quiche.

Today I drove to Whangarei so that the students could experience the booming metropolis of Northland. Also, we went to see The Bucket List. It was entertaining and enjoyable. Embarrassingly, I cried in one part, and the girl next to me pointed it out to everyone. Sigh. I never thought a movie with Jack Nicholson in it would make me cry. Go figure.

Anyway, that's my week in a nutshell. I'm sure I will have some deep and meaningful reflections to share later. But for now, I'm going to bed. Good night!

All My News Squished Into One Post

2008-02-24T19:36:00.003+10:00

So... it's been a while since my last post, and since then, a few things have happened. Let's see if I can remember them all.

1. I am going to Scotland! Yay! I did end up getting accepted to the LDC (Leadership Development Course) there, and so will be leaving NZ in April, right after my birthday. I'm gonna come home for a couple of days, and then head to Scotland! Seriously, I am very excited about this. I am hoping that it will really encourage me and help me to put more of an edge on my leadership.

2. The new DTS started! They got here... one day ago? It already feels like a week. But we picked them up, driving through a tropical storm, yesterday. They are a good bunch. I really like them. But I'm glad not to have the responsibility of leading their DTS. It's not them, it's me. :) But really, it is a little strange, after having led 2 DTS's in a row, to not have much responsibility with these guys, even though I really like them. I feel slightly wistful. And at the same time relieved. I feel like I have very little to give out after the last year, so am enjoying just being friends. So this is best for all of us. Heh. I know it sounds like I am breaking up with them, but I don't know how else to say it... All of that aside, I think it will be a really good school, and I'm already excited to see how God rocks their worlds while they are here.

3. Um... I must have more news. I can't think of it. Whatever.

So, for the next 7 weeks or so, I'm gonna be here, doing whatever I can to help out, and registering students, and hopefully helping change the website. And spending some quality time with God, too. Not that I don't ever spend time with God. But I was doing some teaching for staff training last week, and I was reminded of some things. First of all, I was walking down the driveway, thinking about what to talk about. Which was a surreal moment, because... I don't know. I feel like I have all these big questions about what I do and how I do it and what kind of direction I want to take the ministry I am involved in and all this stuff. And suddenly none of that mattered a whole lot, because what I really needed was to figure out what to talk about for a couple of hours the next morning. And it kind of hit me anew that God wants to provide for me in the moment. Not that he's not interested in My Life: the Big Picture. But maybe I can relax a little bit about it, precisely because he IS interested in it, and precisely because he can also help me figure out what to say tomorrow, and that's what I needed to be listening to. And it's probably a lot more related than I know, and if I would just pay a little attention, the answers to my "small" questions might not be so different than the answers to my "big" questions. Maybe. Speculations from my walk down the driveway. Which, by the way, is a good place to walk and pray, and has seen the footsteps of probably thousands of people doing just that. Which I think is cool.

So, by the way, in the end, what I talked about was "Loneliness in Leadership". And I talked about courage and knowing God in that loneliness... I will not go on much more about it. I read a few chapters out loud from Prince Caspian, which was not one of my favorite Narnia books until recently. But there is this awesome part with Lucy and Aslan, and nobody else believes her, and... well, it's good. I like it, not just because of Lucy and her total need and dependence on Aslan to lead the people with her in the right direction, but also because she was not actually the "leader" of the group. Anyway, I could go on, but I won't. But I will say that it was a good session. I wasn't sure how people would do just listening to a story, but I think they're all hooked on Narnia now.

There were more things to say from my walk on the driveway, but this is getting long, and I am getting sleepy, so I will save them for another day. Good night!

For Your Viewing Enjoyment

2008-02-15T09:55:00.003+10:00

New Zealand in February is a good place to be. Luckily, Trumpet ice cream issued this "public service announcement" to help keep it that way. :) It's been on TV for a couple of years, now, but I still think it's hilarious. Warning: this may not be for the faint of heart. Whatever that means.

She rambles...

2008-02-14T18:51:00.003+10:00

This morning I woke up to the sound of Sam, my four-year-old buddy, delivering the mail to our house. I did not get up for another hour. (Just to clarify, I got home from the airport at 3am, which is why I was sleeping so late this morning.) The awesome thing is that it was raining and not stiflingly hot for the first time in ages. This meant that I could stay in bed without suffocating under my metal roof. And also, I forgot about how good the rain is. I am such a Portlander. I mean, I do like summer. I like sun and warmth... but there's something about the rain. Actually, I don't know if this is because of where I grew up so much as it is about personality. I love it when it rains after a long dry spell. And I love it when it's sunny after a long rainy spell. I think I just like to feel like I earned my weather. Like somehow I had the choice to stick it out or not, and I did, and now I deserve to have some relief from the heat for a day. What all of this pretty much means is that I'm a little crazy. But I'm okay with that. Today.

So... staff training started today. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time on the computer in the last couple of days, trying to get last minute details for DTS students sorted. We are combining with the DTS that runs in Auckland for this coming school-- actually, their students are coming up to Oak Ridge to do their DTS instead of doing it in Auckland, and so there is some serious coordinating to do. Oh, administration. How I procrastinate with thee. But I can't procrastinate this time, so that's... good? Anyway, that's my life right now. It's time for bed now. I've been up too long.

Oh bla di...

2008-02-13T08:14:00.000+10:00

Well... life goes on. It's been a good week, actually. It has been low-intensity, which is good: just some work in the office to get ready for the next school and several "planning sessions" at the beach. I must say, some of my best work is done while lounging in a towel on the sand. And also I am tanner, which is very important. (Is it "tanner" or "more tan?" Whatever.)

I'm really looking forward to taking a bit of a break during this coming school. I just don't feel like I would be very useful if I were to help lead it... and so I am not going to. I'm HOPING to get into the leadership course in Scotland that I am currently waitlisted for; it would be awesome to get a little outside input into my life at this point. And then home for a little while! Yay!

Anyway, I wasn't really planning on outlining my entire future today, so I think I will stop there. Today, Becks, Scotty, and I are venturing down to Auckland. A BLS student is coming in to the airport at some ridiculous hour of the night, so we volunteered to pick her up. Because that means I can spend the afternoon in Borders, which, I think I have already mentioned, is pretty much my favorite way to spend an afternoon. Also it means I get to eat at Burgerfuel, which is not too bad, either. It's the simple things...

It's Over

2008-02-04T20:15:00.000+10:00

On Saturday morning I dropped my students and some of my staff off at the airport and said good-bye for the last time. It was weird. Graduation was Friday night, and it was fun, and then I stayed up late talking and hanging out with students, and then on Saturday I got up and went to the airport for what felt like the thousandth time, said good-bye, got back in the van, and drove away. It was all very routine and easy, and I was sad, but I think what I was really sad about was that I could not really bring up the energy to let myself feel as sad as I am that I will probably never see most of those people again. These beautiful, amazing children of God, whom I have prayed for and hoped for and watched grow and change for the last six months, left New Zealand. In their uniqueness, they still ended up on an airplane headed home, just like the ones six months ago, and the ones six months before that. Which is where they should be headed. And as much as I love them, I'm too tired of this routine to really allow myself sadness at their going.

It strikes me that this is not really healthy. But then again, I kind of have this theory that we in the West are a little bit spoiled in our ability and willingness to be concerned about every little aspect of our emotional health, and are nevertheless no more emotionally healthy than those who are more concerned with other things. So... I don't know. I am still going to ramble on about myself, but you can know that I DO know it's not the most important thing in the world.

Anyway, I got to thinking about sacrifice. Because for me, it is a sacrifice to love people and allow myself to be known by people (at least to a degree) that I know I will not see again after a DTS is over. And I do it over and over again, and I guess I feel like I have somehow given up a bit of emotional normalcy because of it. I am kind of dreading the moment where I finally realize that these people that I have loved are gone for pretty much the rest of my life on earth.

I have a hard time with the idea of sacrifice, because... on the one hand, it is kind of at the core of my belief system. Jesus, of course, made the ultimate sacrifice of his life so that we could be reconciled to God. That is one heck of an example. On the other hand, there are these things we call "boundaries." Every once in a while around here, somebody goes on a boundaries rampage, telling us all that we need to take time for ourselves and set limits and not always be available and etc., etc. Which is a nice theory. And I tell my own staff these sorts of things, although I use different language, because I am not a huge fan of the pop-psychology word usage that seems to go with boundaries. I do send my staff to take days off when I can see they need one, and try to make sure that they are doing things they enjoy and looking after themselves.

But then, how does that fit in with this whole sacrifice thing? I mean, I've given things up to be here. I miss my family and friends and Portland and the convenience and familiarity of living in America. Does that mean I don't have to sacrifice anything else? I can just live here and do my job and keep good emotional "boundaries" and it's all good? The problem with that, of course, is that my job kind of entails NOT having those boundaries. It's pretty much my job to love people. I mean, I do lots of things, but at the very core of it all is to love others. And even if it wasn't my job, it's still pretty much the main thing that Jesus told us to do, only second to loving God. I can't really imagine Jesus being like, "love your neighbor as yourself, but only during office hours..."

The other day I read a comment by a guy who brought up William Wilberforce and the fact that he totally sacrificed his health for the cause of slavery. And he was passionate and driven and ultimately successful. According to the theory of boundaries, your own health is not an acceptable sacrifice. But if Wilberforce had not made the sacrifice, he would not have made such an impact in the world. I was talking to Patrick Dodson, one of our speakers about this, and he made the excellent point that worldwide slavery is perhaps not on the same scale of importance as what I am doing... but then again, maybe it is. Maybe one of the students that comes here is going to be the next William Wilberforce, and my decision to give up something in order to love them--even though they are only a very temporary friendship-- will be a key in their life. I guess the thing is, ultimately, to decide whether what I'm doing is actually important enough to make the sacrifices that I do make. Which are fairly paltry, in all honesty. But if what I'm doing makes no impact, then even paltry sacrifices could be put to better use elsewhere. And that is a very hard thing to measure.

Which is why I guess it comes down to trusting God. I do believe that when I committed to this place, it was what God was leading me to do. I believe that he can use me and does use me to show himself to the people around me. I don't know if it has to be the way that I have done it, exactly, or if there's some way to do this without feeling like I'm giving up my ability to connect in a normal emotional way to the situations around me.

Maybe next time I should just cry at the airport when I say good-bye. It might save me a lot of thinking. And also, does any of this make sense? Oh well. If you made it this far, great job. Now you know that I am actually crazy. And on that note, it's time for bed. For me. You can do whatever you want.

Four-Year-Olds Love Me

2008-01-29T15:50:00.000+10:00

Last night I was working in the office after dinner, and my roommate, Becks, came in. She had a message for me. Apparently, Sam-- the four-year-old little boy who lives across the base from me-- was at home and refusing to go to bed until I came and said good night. So I went down to see him. He mostly just wanted to show me his new pirate pajamas. But it was really cute.

So what is the deal? Why do four-year-olds love me so much? Sammy is not the only one, I have to say. Check out the awesome story that Becks' nephew, Jordan, wrote for/about me when he was four (now he is five, but I like to think that he still has a special place in his heart for me):

In case you can't read it, here is the text: "Once upon a time there was a girl called Mary. The dragon tried to eat her but suddenly out of the bushes came a KNIGHT in shining armour! When the dragon breathed fire the knight fell off his horse and then the princess came down and kicked the dragon. And the dragon was straight dead and the knight said thank you for saving me and then they got married. The end."
This story was transcribed by Becks, by the way. Apparently word-for-word, though. I love it that he let me kill the dragon. And that it was straight dead. That is an awesome story.

And more four-year-olds love me, too! Why is that? What is it about the four-year-old mind that likes me so much? Seriously, my life is so strange. Now all I need to find is a 29-year-old man with the mind of a four-year-old. No, wait. That's not right, either. Sigh.

Where does the time go?

2008-01-24T10:26:00.000+10:00

I can't believe it is already Thursday! Time has gone really quickly this week... there has been a lot of listening to stories and trying to teach the essentials for these guys when they go home. I have been meeting with each of the students to do some debriefing and catching up before they head off, and that's been good and sometimes hard. It's so hard to know what to say when somebody tells me about something that was disappointing for them or was really hard, and I know that it didn't have to be that hard. I mean, in some cases, it's disappointing for me, too. I always wonder if I should have somehow known it would happen and stopped it somehow. And then again, some things I DID know would be hard, but I guess I anticipated them being dealt with differently, and being a great growing experience instead of an "I cannot actually believe that happened" kind of thing.

Anyway, hindsight and all that... on the other hand, there are also really great things that happened! Some of the students got to do amazing things that they never knew they could do, and meet people that they never knew existed and see a way of life that will forever change the way they live theirs. And that is an amazing thing. God was (and still is) so good to these guys.
Part of my challenge is to bring that to the attention of those who maybe missed it at the time.

Okay, so serious. In spite of having a lot to do, I also get to spend a lot of time having fun and laughing at everyone's pictures and crazy stories and just being with students. Woot! (Which, by the way, I just found out was the Mirriam-Webster word of the year last year. According to Isaac, who I generally find to be a reliable source.)

And that's my life. Tomorrow I have the very difficult and burdensome task of taking all the students and staff to the Bay of Islands and going jet-boating. Yes, feel sorry for me. Maybe I will finally get a tan!

Here I Go Again

2008-01-21T19:53:00.000+10:00

The students have been back for one day, and I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. It's actually really good to have them here. It's fun to have people around again.

It's been a little weird, though, for the last day. Outreach is such a weird thing, and it changes you, but it's SO different from normal life that it's hard to really figure out how you have changed right away. And there's all the mix of emotions: total exhaustion from two months of cross-cultural living and traveling, excitement about what God did, disappointment about what he didn't do that you expected him to... relief at being back in a nice, clean, safe place, and guilt at being here while the very people that you spent the last two months with stay in their third-world existence... it's all a lot to take in. You can actually feel it on the base; the sense of being unsettled is almost tangible as these guys process and try to figure out what it all means.

For me, it's so tempting to just say, "here's what you do. Here's how you changed, and here's what you should feel." Because, I think, at this point, some of them would really like some definition. And maybe the things I say would be true, but they are just not for me to say. Which is hard mostly because I want people to be comfortable and happy and feel good. But I really have to be careful, because there's so much value in the tension. It's so important to say, "hey, what is God saying to you? What did he do? Who does he say that you are?" And let people figure it out for themselves. It's hard, but there has to be a safe place where you let the questions simmer a little bit, and where you are really listening to God. If these guys left here with nothing but the ability to ask good questions and to let God in to the answers to those questions, I think the DTS would be a success.

I think that this is what I really love about what I do. I get to make a place to listen and learn and ask questions and figure out a way to channel that all into something that will influence who they are going to be for the rest of their lives. And I think that something I'm really good at is helping people feel okay with that process, because sometimes it can be excruciating. But it's worth it.

Man, I don't know if I'm making sense right now at all. This whole day has been spent trying to communicate with people who are tired, and who are from several different cultures and have spent the last two months in even more different cultures. I totally struggle to say things in a way that everybody will understand. But if they understand, at the end of the day, that they are loved, I guess that's good enough. So I hope that, if nothing else, they got that.

Anyway, that's the brain spew that happens on a day in the life of a DTS leader. If you made it through, thanks for reading! By the way, you are loved, too.

Amazon.com is Stalking Me!

2008-01-20T16:09:00.000+10:00

Okay, that's logically not true, because if it was true, I probably would not have gotten an email from Amazon.com this morning telling me that I should buy The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Because if they were really stalking me, they would know that I already own it. But it was still a little strange. Also, it alerted me to the fact that yes, everyone else already does know about this book. So... good job.

The students are back! I picked the India team up today after a quick stop at my favorite place, Borders book store. I know that I should probably be like, "go independent, locally owned and run bookstore!" But there's just something about a familiar place when you are across the world from home, and Borders, being a franchise, is the same in NZ as it is in America, and I like it there. Also, they have a fantastic coffee shop (also franchise, sorry) inside, and it's one of those places where it's totally fine to take as many unpaid-for books and magazines into the coffee shop, and sit and read them while you drink your mango fruit chiller. Or some sort of coffee, if you like that sort of thing. In New Zealand, there are not a lot of places that I know of where I would be comfortable to do that. But in Borders, I know the ropes.

Sigh. Anyway, after my brief stop, I proceeded to the airport to pick up my students. Also, let me just tell you that I drove with the trailor the whole way there and back. I'm proud of myself.

So everyone's doing okay. To be perfectly honest, these guys smelled terrible when they finally got to NZ. In all fairness, they've been travelling for a long time. But I will say that I drove with the window down the whole way, even though there is currently a tropical storm raining down on us. It's all good, now, because they are clean and fed and catching up on all the things they need to. The Vanuatu team will get in any minute now. So it's back to work for me! I really love these guys, and processing and debriefing, etc., is really important, but part of me just wants to go to bed and not be the one responsible for this stuff. Two more weeks, and then I will have a real break. Kind of. :) Anyway, I'm off for some catch-up and Speed Scrabble!

Summertiiiiiiiiiime

2008-01-17T19:18:00.000+10:00

Oh, man. It is hot here today. I woke up at 8 am (admittedly not that early, but...) baking to death under my metal roof. Don't worry, I survived. And it only got more and more hot as the day went on. Dad, you would have really loved it, I'm sure.

I needed to clean the student bunkrooms before they get back here on Sunday, so today I designated vacuum day. And let me tell you, it was the sweatiest vacuuming I have ever done in my life. Finally I finished, and gave up the pretense of any more manual labor for the day. I am so spoiled. My next two weeks are going to be intense, though, so I feel okay about my afternoon of leisure. Anyway, I did lay outside in the sun and read, which was awesome. I am not tan, though. What is with that?

The book I was reading is called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and it is really good. Maybe everyone in America has heard of this book already, because the back of the book cover says that it has been "widely read and admired all around the world." And it turns out that there is a movie of it, too. But I just found it in the $5.00 book stack at The Warehouse, and thought it looked interesting. It's written by Jean-Dominique Bauby, who was at one time the editor of French Elle, and then had a massive stroke and was basically trapped inside his own body and wrote the book by blinking one eye and spelling words to an assistant. And so far, I really like it. A lot. I could tell you more about it when I am finished and ready to analyze, but I probably won't. It's not very long, though, if anyone wants to read it.

Anyway, I had a good day. Two more days, and then everyone comes back. Hmmm. Mixed feelings. But for now, I will enjoy my summer.

Oh, The Taste Buds

2008-01-11T15:57:00.001+10:00

So, tonight I made the worst food that I think I have ever made. I mean, it was bad. I have eaten some bad things in my day...most of it I did not actually make... but this was really up there on the list of bad stuff. Like, just below fruit bat and duck fetus. Seriously.

It started out as mince (ground beef, to Americans). This was the only red meat that I could find in my freezer, and I thought I should eat some and give the old iron a boost. I didn't really have much else to cook with it, so I just cooked it. And sprinkled in some seasoning that I found in the cupboard. And this is where everything went oh so wrong. I put in this Creole seasoning that a former DTS student sent to the staff from New Orleans, and that we all divided up and I keep mine in a jelly bean jar hidden away on a shelf. But this seemed like the perfect chance to use it, so I pulled it out. I did not, of course, pre-taste it or think much about it, but I just scooped a couple of spoonfuls onto the meat while it was cooking. And then I had a taste. Oh, man. That stuff is saltier than salt.

I like salt. But this was ridiculous. I tried pouring all kinds of other sauces on to neutralize the saltiness, but no. And I was kind of desparate for red meat, so I made a valiant attempt to choke half of it down before I gave up. And I had made these great oven fries and fresh green beans, and I could not taste them, because the salt pretty much ruined my mouth. I can still taste salt. Blech. Is there a cure for too much salt?

You've gotta love a life where the worst thing that happens in a day is eating meat with too much salt. Although, I mean, it was a LOT of salt. The moral of the story is: watch out for Creole Seasoning.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2008-01-11T14:22:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I ask myself: why did I not become a Secret Agent? Most of the times that I ask myself this are the times that I am watching Alias. Like today. Seriously, I think I would be a good secret agent. Nobody would suspect me.

Anyway, I'm back at Oak Ridge. It was good to get a break, even if I was only a ten minute drive away. But there are outreach teams to keep track of and registrations to follow up on, and basically a job to do. This is the stuff that it is hard to find motivation to do, because it is mostly administrative. But necessary, to keep working with people, which is what I love doing, and get to do most of the time.

But also, people are so weird. I think that is actually why I like working with people, but also sometimes it makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I like that there is no formula for helping people grow and get along and follow God. I love the mystery and the beauty of the fact that nobody is the same. But I also HATE that there is no formula... because it often leaves me totally confused and worried that I'm going to mess somebody's life up. The last couple of days I've been talking to one of my team leaders out on the field, trying to figure out the best way to deal with a situation that arose in the team. And it's such a weird position to be in-- wanting so badly to do the right thing and knowing it will affect people and in the end just having to do something and hoping and praying that it's the right thing. And that's just me. Imagine what the team leader feels like! At least I am thousands of miles away.

Things like that are what make me think about being a secret agent, because sometimes dressing up like another person and lying my way through a secret mission seems like it must be so much easier than dealing with a situation in an honest and genuine way. Also, I would really like to be able to kick people's butts like Sydney Bristow does.

P.S. Dear Secret Agents of the world: I'm sure that your job is very difficult and that I have totally misrepresented you. And maybe Alias is not the best model of what the world of espionage is really like. Don't email me.

Bringing in the Sheaves

2008-01-02T17:33:00.000+10:00

So... actually, it was bales of hay, not sheaves of wheat. And also, it was only a couple of hours of the last few weeks that I was involved in said baling of hay. But I like my title, anyway.

I've been a bit out of blogging commission for a while (after my one paltry post) because I was gone for the holidays. Since I'm living alone right now in a very quiet and remote place, one of the local families took me in, and I've been staying with them for a couple of weeks. I have to say, they have spoiled me rotten. If I am ever home for the holidays again, I hope that I treat anyone who is visiting just as well as I was treated this year. It was really, really nice.

And now it's really summer and it's been warm and beautiful for a week or so. I was staying in a bach (like a vacation home, kind of, in NZ) for the last couple of days, and it had a beautiful view of Pahi bay, and this amazing garden with beautiful flowers and a lounge chair on a sunny deck, and cable television. Yeah, seriously. That's what my life has been like for the last few days. We won't talk about the horrible cats at the bach, though. My foot will never be the same.

And then, of course, there is the hay. This week the family that adopted me for Christmas is baling their hay fields and stacking it in the barn. I got to help on Monday. It was so fun! I mean, I'm probably not the most helpful participant, but still. I roll bales of hay across a field so that a machine can pick them up and load them onto the back of a truck. And then, when all the hay is stacked on the truck, I get to climb on top of it all and ride back to the barn, and then pretend to help Grant (the farmer) stack the hay in the barn, while actually just pushing and rolling the bales around until somebody stronger than me comes along and lifts it onto the stack. It's kind of itchy and dusty and really sweaty, but I like it. Maybe it just feels good to have something active to do.

Anyway, I think that pretty much catches up the last couple of weeks. I miss home a lot, but I've been so blown away by how much everyone has looked out for me and stuff. I am totally blessed.

It's Probably About Time

2007-12-13T17:44:00.001+10:00

Okay. So... I guess I'm kind of a few years overdue in actually starting this blog. Because I really like to write. And if I'm being perfectly honest, I like to write about myself. Which is the brilliance of the blog, because isn't that what it is for?

I really wanted to write something kind of dazzling for the first post, but, unfortunately, I don't think it's going to happen. I'm just a single, Christian girl from America who lives in New Zealand and works with Youth With a Mission. Our base is really beautiful and peaceful, and I feel pretty lucky to live here, but I also really miss home and my friends and family there and all the convenience of living in the city.

My life is pretty sweet, really. I've gotten to travel to some beautiful and random places and meet a ridiculous number of amazing people. I've lived here long enough to know the cost of some of those things, too, but that is for another post. I am surrounded by people who love and worship the same God that I do, and where I am pushed to grow and ask questions. And believe me, I have a lot of questions... My life is full, and sometimes I appreciate that, and sometimes I struggle. Anyway... that's enough for now.