It turns out I'm not that sorry to see the back of October 2012. And let's be honest, that was already a week ago, so I'm clearly needing to get with the times. The USA has re-elected a president since then, for Pete's sake!
But I'm more of a hindsight person, I guess. I like to ruminate and then write. Forget this "in the moment" stuff. For the moment, at least.
As I was saying: October. Horrible. I had a moment, somewhere near the beginning of the month, where I realized that I still don't have the job I want to have, or really any prospects of it. I have been offered a few jobs, and turned them down because I really am trying to stay specific in what I do-- and at least have a job with medical insurance, which none of these had. But in October, I really was second-guessing those decisions. I'm still working for my church, but that will likely end soon, as they find a person who is willing to take the job on a permanent basis (I am not), and that's a little sad. I've had a good experience working with the kids at church and even more so working with their parents and the people who are really active with kids. But I also feel like it's not the thing I want to do forever or even for much longer.
Sometimes I wonder how audacious I am to be so picky about things. I don't know that many people who LOVE their jobs. And I know that whatever job I end up with is not going to be perfect. But I do want one that is perfect for ME, if that makes any sense. So I am holding strong. So far.
October is when I started to really question how ridiculous I am being. And that's the main reason I disliked it. Yep, solely because of too much self-doubt. There were some great things that happened in October: I visited my grandmother in Tulsa, OK (woo hoo! Party city!) and also found the very best dark chocolate with sea salt and turbinado sugar that I've ever had, and spent time with the whole family (Mom and Dad and my older brother's family were there waiting for me), spun my niece in one million circles and laughed at her antics heartily. We also all went to Austin, TX, where my little brother lives, and had a holiday there. We ate delicious bbq! I learned about fried avocados! The Alamo truly has no basement!
Anyway, things are working out for now. I have yet another interim job as a caregiver that has pretty ideal hours and my favorite: I get paid while I sleep. But part of me really just wants the security of a permanent job. I don't know how long this will last. I want to buy a dresser for my room, but I keep thinking I might need the money for something more important. I am torn between not wanting to live in a "poverty" mindset, but also being smart. But also, I don't think I ever want to just buy expensive things without thinking twice about them. I want to be intentional with money. I just don't want to HAVE to be. :)
So, there you go. My thoughts in a nutshell from the past month. I am amazed at how God has provided for me, and disappointed that I have such a hard time trusting that it will continue. Hopefully I am learning something from all of this.
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