Well, it has certainly been a while since I wrote in this blog! And I can't promise that it won't be a while until I write again. But at this moment, I am determined to write more. And the best first step seemed like to write something!
Oh, this year. It has not been easy. But I feel a little ridiculous saying that, because it hasn't been legitimately hard, either, depending on what easy and hard mean to you. It has been a little over a year since I came back to America... I have had a few moments where I have found myself startled to realize that this is home now. I don't know when I started thinking of myself as a little bit Kiwi, but I do still say "we" sometimes when I talk about how "we" do things in New Zealand. Which, by the way, I try not to do TOO much; I don't want to be THAT girl. I think it is understandable-- it took me years to get to the point where it felt like New Zealand was where I belonged. And even when I knew it wasn't anymore, I think it is only logical that it is taking me a while for my subconscious to belong here in the USA.
Anyway, it hasn't been easy, as I said. I needed a rest when I got home, and didn't want to need a rest. I wanted to be the one missionary who returned home and had a seamless transition. I feel like I know who I am, mostly: what I like, and what I love, and what I want to do. But when I came home, I felt like as much as I knew those things about myself, I couldn't stomach doing them. I couldn't stand the thought of listening to people talk about their faith or praying for them or having anyone pray for me. I didn't want to be a part of a community or to articulate any kind of truth to anyone else, or to come up with a strategic plan of any sort or do any ministry at all. I did want to find a cave (a warm and cozy one), and take a nap for a few months. But I didn't WANT to want that. And so I pretended I didn't, a little bit. This was a mistake. I don't know what would have happened if I had just admitted the truth, but I do wonder if I would have been less likely to escape into watching too much TV, or any of the other things I did to distract myself from how inadequate I was feeling.
Hmm... I did not realize that I was going to talk about this. And I'm not going to much more; at least not today. I don't think that anyone is reading this blog any more, which is fine. But if you are, don't freak out. I'm okay. A year in, I'm feeling a lot more ready to take on ministry again (which is good, since I am working for a church currently). I also feel much more cautious about it. And I am doing things like writing because I want to, not because I have to. I took kids to camp this summer and loved it, and have re-connected with some old friends who have known and loved me for years, even though I am TERRIBLE at keeping in touch. So. Things are going. I am not "there" yet, wherever that is, but I have hope that I am getting closer.
Rambling to a probable audience of zero is kind of nice sometimes.
