This Week

So, here are the things I have been dreaming about lately: A- Rat and mouse infestation. A gross and disturbing dream to be sure. B- Credit card fraud. Sometimes I just wonder what it all means.

I mentioned last time that I was reading through some old journals. It's funny to read my thoughts on some things-- like team dynamics or even just travel-- and see how differently I feel now about those same things. Especially when I was just starting out and not so responsible for everything that happened to my team! Here is some of what I wrote on my way to New Zealand for the first time ever, dated March 20, 2002:

"So, here I am in the LAX airport. For the first time that I can remember, I feel like a little Portland girl alone in a scary place. Seriously, I think that LAX could be more intimidating than actual Sydney or Auckland. I keep having to remind myself that I am in my own country. I'm proud of myself, though, because I made it to the right terminal, which was hard, since this airport is huge, and, apparently, mapless. Of course, now I'm here, and my flight leaves in 3 hours. But I do what I can...

I am more scared than I thought I would be. I really don't know what I'm getting myself into... I know I'm not trusting God like I probably should. But then again, how do I know how exactly God wants me to trust him?

It makes me mad at myself, but I'm discovering that I am kind of uncomfortable around people who are not just like me. Stupid. And especially so, considering I am about to be surrounded by 6 Swiss, 4 Koreans, 2 Danes, a Samoan, Malaysian, Canadian, and Kiwi...Oh, a man with an Australian accent just sat near me! I love that!"

Oh, 2002 Mary. If only you knew that you would never get over your dislike for LAX. And that you would grow to love and thrive in cultures different to yours. Or that trusting God most likely looked a lot like getting on an airplane bound for a foreign country even though you were scared. Or that over 9 years later you would be wondering what trusting God looks like now...

Anyway, more in the Adventures from Mary's Past later.

iPost

So... here I am. America. It has been a bit over a month, now, since I sifted seven years worth of belongings into two suitcases and a carryon, and flew back to Portland. (By the way, I wholly endorse Air New Zealand as the best airline flying in and out of NZ. Best flight in a long time!)

It's been a weird time, being home. I've been surprised to find how difficult it is to switch my mind back into "America gear--" way harder than when I was just home to visit. I mean, it does stand to reason that it took me at least a year to feel really at home in NZ, so it could take a while to feel the same here... except that this IS home. I grew up here. I feel like I should know how life goes here. But for some reason, I cannot say "trash can" instead of "rubbish bin" for the life of me!

The truth is, technology freaks me out! There's a lot that I like-- I have never been so well entertained. But I had dinner with friends a couple of weeks ago, and the conversation at the end of the night was all about devices and if you need an iPod if you have an iPad and and iPhone as well, and eventually I just zoned out. It was slightly stunning to realize that this is the way things are now. And I don't know how to be a part of that conversation. And I don't know if I want to be. If that makes sense. And I am not judging my friends, who are wonderful people, and I am happy for them to have the things that they have. I just don't know that I want that for myself. I have so much more than I even knew to want...

Oh, the pondering that goes on! So... I still am not sure what is next, but am trying to be okay with that. The whole decompressing thing is definitely not going to work if I am putting pressure on myself to figure out my future the whole time!

So, in the introspective-but-not-too-serious side of things, I am looking through old journals, and I have to say it is quite enjoyable! 9 years ago today I was in Papua New Guinea with malaria! What a crazy life I have had so far. Next week I think I will post some excerpts from old journals. There are some good stories in there!