This post will not really be as thought provoking as the title might suggest. Just letting you know before your expectations are raised to a level I can't fulfill!
These three things have been on my mind lately:
-Most of you (whomever you are) will have heard about the earthquake that shook Christchurch, NZ almost two weeks ago now. The quake has put New Zealand into a National State of Emergency. The whole country is trying to figure out how to understand and deal with the destruction of the city and loss of life there. Many people I know are heading down to the Christchurch area to help with recovery and clean up and trauma counseling. Numbers of the dead and missing seem to fluctuate every day, but there's a sadness here that seems to be touching every part of the country. It's just one of those things that is always on the edge of public consciousness, even as people go about their daily lives.
-And then there's all this stuff happening in the Middle East. Regimes being toppled! People protesting in the streets and winning! This is craziness. I know relatively little about what is going on over there, and am sure that there is much more to this going on behind the scenes. And the repercussions are most likely going to be quite interesting in the global scene. But at a glance, this is pretty amazing stuff.
-The other night we had a speaker on base who said these words: "Christendom is over." And that had an interesting affect on those of us sitting in the audience. The thing is, I don't know if he's right or wrong. Christendom (which I loosely interpret as the Christian church being the majority influence in society) has most likely been over for a long time already. But for the rural New Zealanders at our Open Meeting, not so much. It just struck me how much we like to think we're in charge of our world, no matter what our belief system is.
See? Not so deep.
Here's the thing: I'm tired. I have always been very good at being very good, and I'm reaching a point where I'm realizing that it is not very good after all. The other day I was praying, and the impression I got was that I need to fast. I just wasn't sure what that fast was meant to be from. Food didn't seem like the thing. I considered TV, but wasn't sure that was right, either (I don't get to watch much out here, anyway). And eventually as the day went on, I realized what it is that I am meant to give up: religion. Too many times have I done the "right" thing without having the right spirit. Too many times have I stepped up or spoken up or raised my hand or done a million other things without first listening for the heart of God. And while I believe that people need to step up and speak up and serve and all sorts of other good things, for me at the moment, these things are causing me spiritual death. They are my idea of how I am supposed to act, not the things God is telling me to do. I think God has been asking me to cut it out for a while, now, but I have ignored him because I am doing good things. I can't do that anymore. I must take time to connect authentically with him.
That doesn't mean that I don't do anything, because I do. I'm very busy for most of the day. But before, I was busy for ALL of the day. All week long. And this is a bad idea for someone who is trying to maintain a long-term ministry lifestyle. So... I don't know how this all goes together. But every day I catch myself about to say yes to something because I want to look like a good Christian. And that's ridiculous. Looking like a good Christian is going to kill me if I don't stop. So I'm trying to stop trying so hard. I want to really be... not even a good Christian. Just someone who knows God and is transformed by him.
I guess the thing that is resonating with me is that if the world is being shaken, and if regimes are being overturned, and if Christendom is over, then the truth is the only thing that is going to last. And that's what I want to know more deeply. Real, authentic, truth. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit known by me and because of me.
I don't know what exactly that is supposed to look like. Or what this means for my life. But I do know that I must be changed, and I can't do it myself. I can't even think of a good sentence to finish off this blog entry. But instead of trying to tie everything up nicely for you, I am going to just be done and let you tie it up for yourself! See, I am learning. :)
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