Thanksgiving!

I have really loved being in America this Autumn.  I don't remember every Fall being like this before my 7-year hiatus, but it has been so beautiful this year in Portland.  It hasn't been too rainy, and the leaves are really spectacular.  Since I don't have a job right now, I've had the chance to go for lots of long walks in the crisp, cold mornings... I live really close to Oaks Bottom and the Springwater Trail, and those places are seriously amazing right now.  Also, there are lots of Blue Herons and other birds that I don't know the name of, which in turn makes for lots of bird-watchers, who seem to generally be a very interesting breed of people.  Perfect for a people-watcher like myself.

This year is my first Thanksgiving Day in America for 8 years.  Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, so I'm pretty stoked.  This is such a strange year for me... so much has changed, and I am  constantly overwhelmed by the feeling that I will never get everything right.  And the truth is that I won't.  Reconciling myself with that and battling with the hand-in-hand idea that I'm letting everyone down has not been easy; I'm not there yet.  But in an effort to get there, I'm trying this:  thanksgiving.  I am so thankful for my life.  I am so thankful for the opportunities that I've been given, and especially for the people in my life who have been and are currently walking with me.  I'm thankful to be, somehow, created intentionally and loved inexplicably by the God of the universe.  There is a lot more that I could list, but for now I'm thankful that it's time to sleep and I have a warm bed to spend the night in.  Good night!

Autumn

Well, summer is officially over. I guess I’m a little slow on the draw, here, because summer has actually been officially over for a long time. But it just hit me recently: we haven’t had a really warm day for quite some time. The leaves are falling off of trees at an alarming rate, and there are Christmas decorations for sale everywhere I go. I am pretty sure that it was only yesterday that I was feeling horrified at the Halloween decorations sitting out while it was over 90 degrees outside.

Really, I am a little slow. I’m a slow processor. I know this and am okay with it, most of the time. It makes me appear calm when alarming things happen (really, I just freak out later because it happened too fast to freak out in the moment!), which can be a bonus.

So it shouldn’t be too surprising that now, several months after leaving New Zealand, I am realizing that I have really left New Zealand. I miss it. Badly. I can’t believe I wasn’t there to cheer on the All Blacks as they won the Rugby World Cup. I can’t believe that I missed out on docking sheep at my friends’ farm. I want to go to the beach and sit in the hot New Zealand sun and stare at the aqua waves. And I can’t.

I’m sad about that. I’m sad that I am far from my NZ friends and I’m sad that I’m not with YWAM right now. I think that some of that is because I am a little bit adrift at the moment. I miss knowing what I’m doing and being good at it. Right now I don’t feel like I know much. As I pray and seek guidance, the most prominent thought that has come to me is: Be Here Now. So I’m trying. It’s interesting to me that this should be the simplest possible task, and yet I struggle with it. Because with just a little awareness and discipline, all I really have to do is exist, and here I am, now. But it’s so much easier, somehow, to drift away. To think about what was, and what I did, and what will be and what I will do. And that is what I think about more than I probably should.

I think those things are important, too. The past has molded me into who I am today. And without vision, people perish. But I have been realizing that I need to let myself just be every once in a while. Because at the heart of it all, I am a child of God. I have value that is not wrapped up in my success or failure in the things I have done or will do. And I think that really living in the truth of this is what God wants for me, even as I reflect on the past and miss the amazing gift of NZ, and even as I choose to stay in Portland and search for a job here. When I figure it all out, I will let you know. I have a feeling it might be a while! But I’m willing to wrestle it out; I think it might be worth the wait.

Wholeheartedness. Vulnerability. Ooof.

This turned out to be worth 20 minutes of my time today.

This Week

So, here are the things I have been dreaming about lately: A- Rat and mouse infestation. A gross and disturbing dream to be sure. B- Credit card fraud. Sometimes I just wonder what it all means.

I mentioned last time that I was reading through some old journals. It's funny to read my thoughts on some things-- like team dynamics or even just travel-- and see how differently I feel now about those same things. Especially when I was just starting out and not so responsible for everything that happened to my team! Here is some of what I wrote on my way to New Zealand for the first time ever, dated March 20, 2002:

"So, here I am in the LAX airport. For the first time that I can remember, I feel like a little Portland girl alone in a scary place. Seriously, I think that LAX could be more intimidating than actual Sydney or Auckland. I keep having to remind myself that I am in my own country. I'm proud of myself, though, because I made it to the right terminal, which was hard, since this airport is huge, and, apparently, mapless. Of course, now I'm here, and my flight leaves in 3 hours. But I do what I can...

I am more scared than I thought I would be. I really don't know what I'm getting myself into... I know I'm not trusting God like I probably should. But then again, how do I know how exactly God wants me to trust him?

It makes me mad at myself, but I'm discovering that I am kind of uncomfortable around people who are not just like me. Stupid. And especially so, considering I am about to be surrounded by 6 Swiss, 4 Koreans, 2 Danes, a Samoan, Malaysian, Canadian, and Kiwi...Oh, a man with an Australian accent just sat near me! I love that!"

Oh, 2002 Mary. If only you knew that you would never get over your dislike for LAX. And that you would grow to love and thrive in cultures different to yours. Or that trusting God most likely looked a lot like getting on an airplane bound for a foreign country even though you were scared. Or that over 9 years later you would be wondering what trusting God looks like now...

Anyway, more in the Adventures from Mary's Past later.

iPost

So... here I am. America. It has been a bit over a month, now, since I sifted seven years worth of belongings into two suitcases and a carryon, and flew back to Portland. (By the way, I wholly endorse Air New Zealand as the best airline flying in and out of NZ. Best flight in a long time!)

It's been a weird time, being home. I've been surprised to find how difficult it is to switch my mind back into "America gear--" way harder than when I was just home to visit. I mean, it does stand to reason that it took me at least a year to feel really at home in NZ, so it could take a while to feel the same here... except that this IS home. I grew up here. I feel like I should know how life goes here. But for some reason, I cannot say "trash can" instead of "rubbish bin" for the life of me!

The truth is, technology freaks me out! There's a lot that I like-- I have never been so well entertained. But I had dinner with friends a couple of weeks ago, and the conversation at the end of the night was all about devices and if you need an iPod if you have an iPad and and iPhone as well, and eventually I just zoned out. It was slightly stunning to realize that this is the way things are now. And I don't know how to be a part of that conversation. And I don't know if I want to be. If that makes sense. And I am not judging my friends, who are wonderful people, and I am happy for them to have the things that they have. I just don't know that I want that for myself. I have so much more than I even knew to want...

Oh, the pondering that goes on! So... I still am not sure what is next, but am trying to be okay with that. The whole decompressing thing is definitely not going to work if I am putting pressure on myself to figure out my future the whole time!

So, in the introspective-but-not-too-serious side of things, I am looking through old journals, and I have to say it is quite enjoyable! 9 years ago today I was in Papua New Guinea with malaria! What a crazy life I have had so far. Next week I think I will post some excerpts from old journals. There are some good stories in there!

The Latest

Oh, the drafts that have been written before I actually posted this post. And now I am using none of them!

Anyway, a quick update on the haps at YWAM, Oak Ridge: our two DTS's are both on outreach. It was a good lecture phase for both schools, even with really a skeleton staff for much of that time. The Young Couples DTS is in Samoa at the moment, after a month in Tasmania. They spent a day here at Oak Ridge as they transitioned between places and traded cold-weather clothes for warm-weather clothes! It sounds like Tasmania was a great time... they helped out a lot with practical needs in the community they were staying in.

Our Adventure DTS is in Cambodia and from the sounds of it, having a great time! They are working with a YWAM base there, and it sounds like they're working a lot with young kids, and teaching English some. I anticipate that this will be a very good time for them-- Cambodia is very different from NZ! There is a lot of opportunity to share the love of God with those who may not have seen his love in action through Christians before.

Here on base, we are having a little "down" time-- still running our kids ministry in Maungaturoto, as well as working on youth outreach, but things are moving much more slowly and quietly than when the DTS's were here!

Most of you have probably heard my latest news through the grapevine, but for those that have not: I have only two weeks left in New Zealand. I came to a decision not too long ago that my time here needs to come to an end. I definitely feel a sense of completion as I contemplate the last several years that I've called New Zealand home, as well as a lot of sadness at saying goodbye! I have spent a lot of time praying about this, and really feel that it is time for something new.

Having said that, I have no idea what that new thing is or will be! I am moving back to Portland, at least to start with, and am hoping things will become more clear once I am there. The only thing I really know is that God is good, and has done amazing things during my time here, and I feel privileged to have been a part of it. And I am really grateful to him and also to all my friends and family who have supported me and cared for me; I am at a loss for words, really, when I consider it.

So, the next week is for packing and finishing things up on base, and then I will spend my last week in Auckland with a good friend. I will be home at the end of June, just in time for all the best summer fruit! I have a lot of good-byes to say, which is surreal and really sad in the moments when it's not surreal. And I have a lot of decisions to make and things to process through, which is a bit daunting when I think about it too much. So, if you think about it, please say a prayer for me as I transition to the next thing.

Hope all is well with you!

Earthquakes, Uprisings, and the End of Christendom

So, as I was looking over some posts from this year, I found this.  I wrote it in March, and never posted it for some reason, and now it's December... But now I am going to.  Interesting to see what I was thinking several months ago, before I knew that I was moving back to America.  I wanted to post it before the year is over:

This post will not really be as thought provoking as the title might suggest. Just letting you know before your expectations are raised to a level I can't fulfill!

These three things have been on my mind lately:

-Most of you (whomever you are) will have heard about the earthquake that shook Christchurch, NZ almost two weeks ago now. The quake has put New Zealand into a National State of Emergency. The whole country is trying to figure out how to understand and deal with the destruction of the city and loss of life there. Many people I know are heading down to the Christchurch area to help with recovery and clean up and trauma counseling. Numbers of the dead and missing seem to fluctuate every day, but there's a sadness here that seems to be touching every part of the country. It's just one of those things that is always on the edge of public consciousness, even as people go about their daily lives.

-And then there's all this stuff happening in the Middle East. Regimes being toppled! People protesting in the streets and winning! This is craziness. I know relatively little about what is going on over there, and am sure that there is much more to this going on behind the scenes. And the repercussions are most likely going to be quite interesting in the global scene. But at a glance, this is pretty amazing stuff.

-The other night we had a speaker on base who said these words: "Christendom is over." And that had an interesting affect on those of us sitting in the audience. The thing is, I don't know if he's right or wrong. Christendom (which I loosely interpret as the Christian church being the majority influence in society) has most likely been over for a long time already. But for the rural New Zealanders at our Open Meeting, not so much. It just struck me how much we like to think we're in charge of our world, no matter what our belief system is.

See? Not so deep.

Here's the thing: I'm tired. I have always been very good at being very good, and I'm reaching a point where I'm realizing that it is not very good after all. The other day I was praying, and the impression I got was that I need to fast. I just wasn't sure what that fast was meant to be from. Food didn't seem like the thing. I considered TV, but wasn't sure that was right, either (I don't get to watch much out here, anyway). And eventually as the day went on, I realized what it is that I am meant to give up: religion. Too many times have I done the "right" thing without having the right spirit. Too many times have I stepped up or spoken up or raised my hand or done a million other things without first listening for the heart of God. And while I believe that people need to step up and speak up and serve and all sorts of other good things, for me at the moment, these things are causing me spiritual death. They are my idea of how I am supposed to act, not the things God is telling me to do. I think God has been asking me to cut it out for a while, now, but I have ignored him because I am doing good things. I can't do that anymore. I must take time to connect authentically with him.

That doesn't mean that I don't do anything, because I do. I'm very busy for most of the day. But before, I was busy for ALL of the day. All week long. And this is a bad idea for someone who is trying to maintain a long-term ministry lifestyle. So... I don't know how this all goes together. But every day I catch myself about to say yes to something because I want to look like a good Christian. And that's ridiculous. Looking like a good Christian is going to kill me if I don't stop. So I'm trying to stop trying so hard. I want to really be... not even a good Christian. Just someone who knows God and is transformed by him.

I guess the thing that is resonating with me is that if the world is being shaken, and if regimes are being overturned, and if Christendom is over, then the truth is the only thing that is going to last. And that's what I want to know more deeply. Real, authentic, truth. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit known by me and because of me.

I don't know what exactly that is supposed to look like. Or what this means for my life. But I do know that I must be changed, and I can't do it myself. I can't even think of a good sentence to finish off this blog entry. But instead of trying to tie everything up nicely for you, I am going to just be done and let you tie it up for yourself! See, I am learning. :)